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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in genepoolsavior's LiveJournal:

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    Thursday, July 12th, 2007
    7:46 pm
    Freedom vs. The Old Guard, Once Again
    An undeniable truth, best expressed by Rush Limbaugh, Adam Smith and every libertarian ever, is that once people get a taste of real freedom, the fight is over: people want more and more of it. It's happening in China right now. I can't help but laugh at commentators that talk about China's "synthesis" of freedom and communism in much the same way they spoke of Gorbachev's USSR less than a decade before it collapsed. These commentators keep calling this some kind of new system in contention with American freedom; they don't seem to realize that China is a system in transition. It is only one of many countries en route to American-style freedom. There are many Chinese people that have just had their first taste of true freedom, and the authorities in China have decided to accommodate this freedom rather than attempting to smash it. This freedom will grow in a manner that will startle those intent on believing the official lies of the Chinese government. I predict that some day soon we'll be able to look back on what actually happened in China instead of the picture currently being painted by the red Chinese government and many people are going to be surprised. They'll have believed the lies about China being some kind of successful hybrid creature composed of American capitalism and Communist tyranny when those two things are mutually exclusive.

    But China will not be the only example of freedom ousting the old guard, quite contrary to the old guard's assurances that this is not the case. In fact, this example will likely happen long before the change in China becomes obvious to the outside world. I am speaking, of course, about American Journalism.

    When I was enrolled at the University of St. Thomas for a year, before money got too tight to facilitate that any further, I was enrolled in a Journalism 100 class. This class was interesting for several reasons, but for the sake of this article we'll focus on one segment of the class: its section on the internet. The class section on the internet was pretty much an unbroken stream of apocalyptic doom-mongering about the negative effects of internet journalism. There are some legitimate concerns here; for one, internet sources rarely employ the use of fact checkers, and there's often no way to verify the accuracy of what you're learning. But the professor brought up all sorts of "problems" like a breakdown in societal coherence, a predeliction toward bias, and something much darker: although it wasn't phrased so blatantly, one of the "problems" with internet journalism was basically a disdain for anyone without a worthless journalism degree.

    As far as societal coherence goes, the old guard do have a point here, as the old guard usually do: who else has such a stake in societal coherence as the old society? WASP couples in suburbs suffered a societal earthquake as minority families moved into their neighborhoods. That definitely wasn't good for neighborhood coherence. The break of the Watergate scandal was also a disaster for societal coherence. Does that mean that racial integration and the exposure of fraud are bad, dangerous things? Now, I'm not saying that societal coherence should not be a concern for the making of policy and the public debate; quite the opposite. A breakdown in societal coherence can kill people, and it has. Ask any victim of race-based crime, or any person whose life has been ruined by unfounded and never-rescinded accusations of fraud. Good things that cause discord or cynicism can still have some bad effects. Nonetheless, that does not mean that they are necessarily bad things that should be run from instead of embraced for their mostly good qualities.

    As for predeliction toward bias, I can only laugh. The internet is an enormous place with a lot of opinions bumping around. There is very little inherent systemic bias in the internet, and that systemic bias gets smaller and smaller as people from every age category and walk of life increasingly use the internet. It's no longer young people who are rich enough to afford a computer and internet connection that get in on the discussion; it's just about everyone. More importantly, the internet has far less inherent systemic bias than, say, radio or television, which are government-provided, government-regulated frequencies, heavily censored and heavily controlled. It's a big talking room for anyone and everyone, right or wrong.

    The most odious "problem" the professor covered displays a particularly telling attitude. In essence, the professor believes that it is necessary to have a journalism degree (and the $120,000 necessary to get such a degree) in order to be a reputable journalist. In short, your opinion doesn't count unless you are part of a tiny elite of people who have gone through thirteen years of government attitude conditioning, and then enjoyed the experience enough to pay enormous sums of money to middle-aged baby-boomers for the service of conditioning your attitude toward theirs even further. These are college professors who, although generally brilliant people, have a very small stake in society and live sheltered lives cloistered away in ivory towers. This attitude makes me laugh the hardest, because it doesn't surprise me as much as it disgusts me. These people, this most ridiculous section of a largely ridiculous generation of Americans, the generation that nearly drove us into a Euro-socialist grave with the rest of the formerly free world, has exercised total hegemonic control of most media in this country for decades. They're panicking. They're scared shitless by the thought that non-middle aged, non-liberal people might actually have an opinion. So they declare that all of those other peoples' opinions don't count.

    Well, we'll see who's laughing when this is over because internet journalism has become a great big huge deal. The numbers show that more Americans get their news from the Internet than from television news sources now. Americans are turning their backs on the old idea of eating out of Walter Cronkite's palm as he bullshits about American failure overseas, and this whole generation of telejournalists wishing with all of their will that they were Cronkite and trying to be him is being repeatedly bitchslapped by a frustrated American public. When it comes to journalism, a generation of Americans has had its first taste of freedom, and as much as the old guard wants to say that it's nothing at best and, at worst, a synthesis of the new and old ways, it's really the death of their absolute power. The American Public has just input U, L, D, A, B, AB, R. They're performing the Screaming Eagle Freedom Combo on these old guard bastards, and they're not going to stop until they cancel into their finisher. The old guard is going out, and a new age of journalism is incoming. The old guard are right to be scared; they're done for and they know it.
    Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
    2:06 pm
    JESUS CHRIST!
    Here is my long-promised column on the most overpowered bullshit of all: the Favored Soul.

    "What is the favored soul?" you might be asking. It's a D&D base class introduced in the Complete Divine supplement. I don't know how many illegal substances passed hands in the Wizards back room when they were writing this son of a bitch, but it must have been good and hallucinogenic.

    Instead of invalidating my analysis by comparing the Favored Soul to something ridiculous, like a Ranger or Fighter, I'm going to compare it to something it ought to be fairly analogous to: a Cleric.

    Clerics are an excellent class, despite a dearth of extraneous features. They're a medium-BAB caster class that can wear heavy armor and gets a very versatile spell list, and they get minor domain powers just to add flavor and differentiate one cleric from another. The favored soul is supposed to be a spontaneous divine caster analogous to the solid cleric.

    Unfortunately, the Favored Soul is like a Cleric on PCP and Febreeze.


    I'm going to reproduce the class here, simply for comedic purposes:

    Level BAB F /R /W 0/1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9 Special
    1 +0 2 /2 /2 5/3/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
    2 +1 3 /3 /3 6/4/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
    3 +2 3 /3 /3 6/5/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- Deity's Weapon Focus
    4 +3 4 /4 /4 6/6/3/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
    5 +3 4 /4 /4 6/6/4/-/-/-/-/-/-/- Energy Resistance (1st Type)
    6 +4 5 /5 /5 6/6/5/3/-/-/-/-/-/-
    7 +5 5 /5 /5 6/6/6/4/-/-/-/-/-/-
    8 +6 6 /6 /6 6/6/6/5/3/-/-/-/-/-
    9 +6 6 /6 /6 6/6/6/6/4/-/-/-/-/-
    10 +7 7 /7 /7 6/6/6/6/5/3/-/-/-/- Energy Resistance (2nd Type)
    11 +8 7 /7 /7 6/6/6/6/6/4/-/-/-/-
    12 +9 8 /8 /8 6/6/6/6/6/5/3/-/-/- Deity's Weapon Specialization
    13 +9 8 /8 /8 6/6/6/6/6/6/4/-/-/-
    14 +10 9 /9 /9 6/6/6/6/6/6/5/3/-/-
    15 +11 9 /9 /9 6/6/6/6/6/6/6/4/-/- Energy Resistance (3rd Type)
    16 +12 10/10/10 6/6/6/6/6/6/6/5/3/-
    17 +12 10/10/10 6/6/6/6/6/6/6/6/4/- Wings
    18 +13 11/11/11 6/6/6/6/6/6/6/6/5/3
    19 +14 11/11/11 6/6/6/6/6/6/6/6/6/4
    20 +15 12/12/12 6/6/6/6/6/6/6/6/6/6 Damage Reduction

    Most of this should be pretty easy to figure out without indepth discussion. The ER is 10, and you get to choose what you resist, but it can't be sonic. But a few salient points:

    Deity's Weapon Specialization: Congratulations! You just stole the fighter's thunder! It's a good thing they have more than just unique feats to help them, or this would be an outrage, huh?

    Wings: Clerics can't cast fly. So these guys can do permanently, undispellably and in an anti-magic field what no other spellcaster can do. Awesomesauce.

    Damage Reduction: 10/silver or 10/cold iron. Meaning it's BETTER THAN THE COCKSUCKING MONK'S DR.


    Now, they have a fairly limited selection of spells known, I'll admit. They get 3 SK to start, and it slowly increases to 6 SK of levels 1-7, 5 level 8 spells and 4 level 9 spells. Here's the problem: can you really imagine more than 6 spells of any given spell level that you would NEED desperately? I can think of maybe 3-4 of each level that even fit my play style.

    These guys have no armor check penalty. They cast based on one stat. They are all things to all people. Christ.

    So now you know why we call them Jesus.
    Thursday, June 14th, 2007
    5:30 pm
    My Guitar Hero Track List
    This is fun. If you could have your own Guitar Hero game, what would your track list look like? Here's what mine would be:

    -Opening Licks-
    Thunder Island - Jay Ferguson
    Let it Ride - Bachman Turner Overdrive
    My Kind of Lover - Billy Squier
    Ebony Eyes - Bob Welch


    -Esoteric Engines-
    Silent Lucidity - Queensryche
    Invincible - Pat Benetar

    *Encore*
    Life's Been Good to Me So Far - Jack Welch


    -Acoustic Melodies-
    No Sugar Tonight - The Guess Who
    *Encore*
    Life by the Drop - Stevie Ray Vaughn



    -Hair Down to There-
    Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
    Remember Yesterday - Skid Row
    We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
    To Hell With the Devil - Stryper
    *Encore*
    No One Like You - Scorpions


    -Rage in a Cage-
    She Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd
    Scars - Papa Roach
    *Encore*
    Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins

    -Solo Slam-
    Keep On Rocking in the Free World - Neil Young and Crazy Horse
    Mississippi Queen - Mountain

    -Epic Anthems-
    A Man I'll Never Be - Boston
    Ordinary Man - Triumph
    Working Man - Rush
    Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf
    *Encore*
    Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

    -Face Melters-
    Crazy Train - Ozzy Ozbourne
    *Encore*


    -Bonus Tracks-
    I've Got Some Falling to Do - Lemon Demon
    Battle on the Big Bridge - The Black Mages


    I know, it's far from complete. Check up on it later, if you care, or post your own in the comments.
    Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
    11:33 am
    Energy Crisis in America
    I was on the wrong side of this one for a long time, I admit. But now it's become blindingly obvious even to me that there's an energy problem in America. Oh, our leaders will try to deny it, certainly, but with a war on and so much at stake, it is imperative that America gets the energy that it needs to run efficiently. New ideas are an indispensible resource, and for them to function innovators need to be able to rely on the energy to run their new products. Therefore, I am drawn to one inevitable conclusion. The fatcats in Washington may not like it, and it's been somewhat of an expensive and derided idea in the past, but I think it's important.

    We must construct additional pylons.

    Certainly the defense of America and our victory in the war are important, but if America doesn't construct these much-needed pylons, we won't be able to field many more troops. Certainly innovation is necessary, and an expanded Scarab capacity for our Reavers might seem tempting right now, but America needs a comprehensive plan to construct as many as three additional pylons at various strategic locations around our Nexus. Without this vital reform, how will our photon cannons, long neglected, function to protect America from terrorist attack? How will we train more Probes to mine the minerals and Vespene gas so vital to our economy? How will we supply the Carriers, Reavers and Dark Templar fighting bravely for us in foreign lands?

    President Bush needs to wake up. We can't continue to rely on foreign Vespene forever. Sooner or later, we must construct additional pylons.
    Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
    11:24 pm
    D&D: Overpowered Bullshit - Volume 1: Monks
    This is going to be one of those posts dedicated to my nerdy hobbies. This time, I'm going to rant nigh-incoherently about overpowered bullshit in D&D 3.5. I've spent some time out of the DMs seat recently, actually playing the game from a player's perspective. Here's some bastions of twinkery that I've discovered.

    OVERPOWERED BULLSHIT #1: MONKS

    If I were writing this in essay form, I would put Monks at the end, as the capstone, culmination and crescendo of overpowered bullshit. In a game system that makes some feats and powers (and some classes) comically useless in the interest of game balance, it's a mystery how Monks ever got past the first editing meeting. They must have seriously run out of time.

    In the interest of comparing two wildly disparate things in order to over-make my point, we're going to compare Monk and Ranger.

    1st Level
    =========
    Ranger - Strong BAB, d8 HD, 2 Strong Saves, Favored Enemy, Track, Wild Empathy, Simple and Martial Weapon Proficiency, Light Armor Proficiency, 6+ Skill Points, 19 Skill Points

    Monk - Medium BAB, d8 HD, 3 Strong Saves, Bonus Feat, Flurry of Blows, Unarmed Strike, Armor Bonus, Multiple Simple and Exotic Weapon Proficiencies, 4+ Skill Points, 18 Class Skills

    Even at first level, the comparison is ridiculous. The Ranger is a teensy bit more accurate, but the monk whips his girly ass at everything else. The Monk gets two attacks. He may be less accurate than the ranger, but he gets two chances to strike. Let's do the math. A monk and ranger with flat 10s for stats and simple gear, attacking AC 10.

    Ranger's chance to hit = 55%
    Monk's chance to hit = 2 attacks at 40% = 56%
    Ranger's chance to hit TWICE = 0%
    Monk's chance to hit TWICE = 16%

    So there you have it. Flurry of blows means that a monk is more accurate than a ranger and, in addition, has two chances to hit. This also means two chances to threaten critical. When knocking a foe out in one round can mean life or death (and this is low-level D&D, it's a possibility) the more chances to hit the greater chance you'll live.

    Of course, this doesn't factor in one other vital factor in the fight for life: AC and HP. The monk and the ranger both have identical d8 HD, meaning, for the purposes of mathematical reason, they will have comparable HP, or at least an equitable chance to have the same HP. Neither has any advantage in hit points. However, when it comes to AC...

    Rangers wear light armor. At first level this likely means they'll be wearing Studded Leather, tops. And those rangers are dexterity whores, so let's call that a 16. Most characters have at least one of those to toss around. Monks, on the other hand, wear no armor. Rangers come out on top, right? At first level, most likely. However, Monks add their wisdom modifier to their AC. In an "average" scenario, let's again compare first level Ranger and Monk. Let's call their dexterities 16 and the monk's wisdom 13 or 14 (if he makes wisdom a dump stat, and honestly dexterity and strength are probably higher on a monk's list.) If the ranger spends 50 gp on his armor, then he beats the Monk by 1 AC point. Hip-hip hooray. The bigger consideration here is that the monk is only 5% less evasive than the ranger -for free-. He doesn't get much starting gold, no, but he doesn't have to spend any of it in order to have an AC nearly as good as his most dexterity-focused comrade's.

    Now, let's go with the best-case scenario, 18s all around. Let's say we've got some lucky bitches on our hands. If the monk has an 18 in both dexterity and wisdom (and I've seen this happen) his AC at level 1 is 18. Never mind the fact that a goblin is going to have to roll a 17 bare minimum to hit that, the ranger would have to spend 100 gp and accept an armor check penalty of -2 on all of his skills (arguably his likely role in the party) in order to match that with a dexterity of 18. That means that the monk will not only dodge just as well as the ranger, he'll do it without limiting his supply of possible weapons or other items, without suffering an armor check penalty and without weighing his character down, risking encumberance with 25 pound armor. In order to meet the monk in AC, the ranger has to give up speed, skill and his selection of items; not an appealing scenario for the ranger.

    This means that, in the best case scenario for both parties, the unarmored monk whose compensation for insane class features is his inability to wear armor, is going to have AC better than a dual-wielding, dexterity-based ranger unless the ranger chooses to gimp himself in order to specifically spite the monk. Add in feats like dodge and combat expertise, which the monk can take without seriously limiting his options due to his bonus feats, and that gap starts to grow even wider.

    The ranger has more skill points and one, single more class skill than the monk, but look at what those skills are. The all-useful Knowledge (dungeoneering), Use Rope and Profession. Meanwhile, skills the monk gets that the ranger does not: Diplomacy, one of the more broken skills in the default rules set and notorious magnet for roleplay experience; Knowledge (arcana) and Knowledge (religion), the two most used knowledge skills in most games; and the invaluable Sense Motive and Tumble. Add in that the Monk won't be agonizing over whether or not he has to take armor check penalties or, likely, encumberance penalties, ever, and the Monk is just as good with skills as the Ranger, albeit with fewer skill points. So this column still comes out as a win in the Ranger column, but not by as much as it first appears.

    Now let's look at the Ranger's delightful trump cards. His saving throws are good, but the Monk's are better. Favored Enemy is a joke of an ability, sure proof that Wizards isn't just indifferent but actively -hates- rangers. It's a minor bonus on a few skills and melee damage rolls against a single type of creature. Unless you have a predictable DM, the statistical probability that this will ever benefit you is pretty slim, and even then the advantage gained is hardly compensation for the extremely low chance of the ability ever being of benefit to the Ranger. The +2 bonus on melee damage rolls is nice except... it's -melee- damage rolls. Archer Rangers, this is Wizards actually pissing in your mouth and then gloating because they know that you can't do anything about it.

    How about Track? It's a bonus feat. It's a decent feat at that, if you like it. It's a good flavor feat. But come on; Fighters and Monks get to at least pick their bonus feat, and they'll likely pick something that capitalizes on their already robust combat abilities or, in the case of Monks, abilities at everything. Rangers get Track. The whole point of the Track feat is that it's a "party" ability; it's not to benefit you specifically, but to benefit the party. The Ranger gets to be the tracker bitch, dragged out long enough to sniff out the bad guys so that the Monk can kick the crap out of it. If the Ranger is lucky, he'll be tracking one of his favored enemies with the feat so that both of his useless starting powers get used at once.

    Then we come to Wild Empathy. The whole purpose of Wild Empathy is so that you don't have to put ranks in Handle Animal, which does THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING except that Handle Animal can be used to train animals as well. In other words, Rangers, skill mavens, whose deficiencies in other arenas are made up for by the use of their 19 class skills and 6+ skill points, have 3 laughably useless skills, and now one of their amazing class features just about invalidates one of their remaining 16 useful class skills. Woo. Way to go, Wizards.

    Lastly, rangers are proficient with Martial Weapons and Light Armor. Of course, all of it costs money, which the Monk doesn't have to worry about, and the more useful light armors are actually a detriment to the Ranger's class purpose. Rangers do get one nice thing that Monks don't: archery. An Archer Ranger can outrange a Monk, which is useful if your DM is nice enough to set up scenarios in which a weapon with a longer range than a sling or javelin is actually of consequential use. In addition, paying for a good bow is ludicrously expensive. They're the only non-magical weapons that have been known to cost over 1,000 gp just to be useful to the character wielding them. And all of this leads to one final, inescapable conclusion: a fighter specializing in longbows will be an even better archer than a ranger. Monks, Rouges and Fighters make Rangers superfluous.

    I could go into this detailed analysis for higher levels and with multiple classes, but let me give you a quick rundown. Monks get more attacks than anyone else in the game, better saves than anyone else in the game, twice as many class features as anyone else, higher base weapon damage, a pile of immunities and resistances, the ability to spontaneously heal themselves, bunches of bonus feats on top of it all, and special powers that nobody else could dream of having without a limited number of uses per day. At the very end, Monks actually become extraplanar creatures. Well, more specifically, they gain the benefits of being an extraplanar creature but suffer none of the drawbacks. They're FUCKING INSANE. If Monks didn't exist and you suggested them, someone (namely me) would laugh at you. I have henceforth resolved to fix Monks, but first I'm going to make Rangers less of electric wheelchair kids and more of ass-kicking, monster-loring, skill-using fiends.

    This concludes the first volume of D&D: Overpowered Bullshit. Join me next time as we delve into the majesty of a class so overpowered that my gaming group has actually started using its name as an expletive instead of "Jesus Christ!" because it's equal in power. It'll be a treat.
    Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
    12:24 am
    Video Game Reviews
    With any luck, this review will be on my GameFAQs profile in 24 hours:

    http://www.gamefaqs.com/features/recognition/64995.html

    That link will take you to some of my video-game related work. There's my review for Final Fantasy X-2, entitled "My Favorite Headache"

    My Favorite Headache
    Final Fantasy X-2 Review by Rewikitty
    4/10

    Let me cut the crap and say that this is probably going to be one long rant about how much I hate this game. This probably isn't exactly fair, because there are elements of this game that are positively excellent. I will give them their time first. I'm going to break my normal review formula in order to do this monstrosity-with-a-game-inside justice. We're going to be testing the limits of the GameFAQs profanity filter for this one, because nothing angers me like a game with the potential to be incredible if it's botched for dumb reasons.

    (NOTE: My grading curve is a harsh mistress. 5, not 7, is an average for me. See? I don't hate the game that much. It just annoyed the piss out of me.)

    WHAT'S DONE RIGHT

    This game, despite all appearances, is still a Squaresoft game, and these guys know how to make an RPG. This doesn't mean that those RPGs are always good, mind you, and Square is just as notorious for its dismal failures as its euphoric successes. All in all, though, Square released the first commercially popular RPG 20 years ago, and they've got a couple of decades of experience under their belt. They know how to make an RPG fun and interesting when they feel like it.

    What Square really knows how to do is make an addicting stat advancement gimmick, and FFX-2 is no exception. From the masterminds that brought you JP, Materia, Junction and the Sphere Grid, we have... FFV's job system, done significantly better, and then covered in flowers and sprayed with perfume. If you can get over the fact that you're playing Barbie dress-up, this is one of the most fun systems ever contrived by Square, and the combat, although obnoxious at first, grows to be a very enjoyable experience. I played this game all the way through solely on the strength of its character advancement systems.

    And not all of Square's experiments are a bad idea. Gil is much less plentiful in this game, but you only have 3 characters to outfit and comparatively few equipment slots. The Garmet Grid (I actually retched with disgust when I typed that just now... why not, say, "Class Grid," "Power Grid," "Sphere Matrix"... ANYTHING but "Garment Grid!?") is a great deal of fun, and choosing which character to outfit with which magic powers and jobs could have easily consumed your life if the rest of this game wasn't a sin against good taste.

    Most importantly, finishing at least one job that FFIX and FFX started, this game has FINALLY made Thief a respectable, worthwhile class. Thievery nets huge dividends, the Steal Gil skill is actually useful, and there are actually good strategic reasons to pick the Thief class.

    Some of the minigames are a lot of fun, too. There is one in particular that involves mowing down wave upon wave of enemies with Yuna's patented handguns that I enjoyed a great deal after I got used to it.

    In general, this is about all that went right.

    WHAT'S DONE WRONG

    Welcome to the long section of the review.

    First off, let's get something out of the way here: the accusations of sexism. Don't even bother leveling them against me. I routinely prefer female characters in video games, especially RPGs. Yuna was a deep, interesting character in FFX, and going back through every FF half of my favorite characters (Freya, Rydia, Ferris... all the way back to White Mage) are female. Hell, the computer I'm writing this on is named Aeris after the character in FFVII, and my laptop is named Paula after the character in Earthbound. If there's one victory of this game series, it's that the female characters are strong, well written and well developed as opposed to simple princesses to be rescued from castles.

    The only real sexism inherent here is in the game itself. This game is the only all-female RPG on the market right now. The real sexist jerks in this equation are the people who said, "It's a girl's game! Dumb down all the dialog!" Guys, you wrote this game for women, not six-year-olds. You didn't need to change "obtained" and "procured" to "scored" for them to understand you. You didn't have to turn "jobs" into "garments" for women to use them.

    Going off of simple text changes, the plot in this game has been dumbed significantly down. Once-compelling characters have become giggling mannequins. Did Yuna lose six years? One would think that catastrophic events like the loss of your lover, witnessing endless battles and the death of your guardians would actually make you -more- melancholy and mature, not turn you into a pre-teen again. I'll go even further. It is a TRAVESTY what they did to Rikku and Yuna. Rikku was cheerful and sanguine, yes, but she was DEEP. She had phobias, layers, motivations... now she can barely put sentences together. Yuna was even deeper. She was a duality, replete with symbolism and buried in denial of her true past, present and future. The entire story of FFX was the story of Yuna's journey. Yes, it was also the story of Tidus, and Auron, and the supporting cast. But mostly, it was Yuna's story. It was the story of a girl expected to sacrifice her life for her people who unexpectedly discovered that she loved one of those sent to ensure her success and, ironically, she wound up facing the one scenario that she never thought she would have to: she is still here, while he is gone. FFX-2 Yuna likes shopping. She's an idiot. An IDIOT. Thirty seconds into this game you realize just how terribly they've mangled these characters.

    Most important of all, you didn't have to make every character scantily-clad with huge DDD breasts. That's not exactly enlightened thinking, here. This game was made for girls just as much as DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball was made for girls. In summary, this is not a victory for women. FFX was. This is two steps back. Three. It's ungodly. It's an insult to the intelligence of its audience and to the feminine of all kinds.

    Okay, so now that we've covered THAT base, let's talk about the music. You'll notice that it's terrible. That's because famed Final Fantasy composer, Nobuo Uematsu, decided to take no part in this travesty. This, primarily, illustrates that Nobuo is a smart man. He instead spent his free time on something about a thousand times cooler than FFX-2: The Black Mages, his traveling hard rock band. (No, I'm not making that up, you can Google it.) In his absence, the makers of this game got together and asked each other, "So... what type of music do women like?" The same geniuses who put Rikku in an outfit that wouldn't, in the strictest sense, actually count as underwear said, "Repetitive, annoying J-Pop that would have been an embarassment in the 1980s! Sounds great!" And then they saturated the game with it. If you've ever played Shadow Hearts: From the New World, you will probably remember the HORRIBLE RAPE OF YOUR EARDRUMS that was the New York music. The rest of that game's music was beautiful, but the New York music really, seriously, almost made me return that game. Well, the entire soundtrack of this game is like that. It's somewhere between video poker and the whine of the dentist's drill.

    I mentioned, in passing, the wardrobes in this game. Final Fantasy is known for its bizarre wardrobe, but most of it is actually fairly endearing, if not at first then after awhile. Some of it is downright cool. But, of course, in any video game depictions of women tend to be fairly demeaning. This is where FFX's Yuna broke the mold. She was dressed in full, ceremonial robes. There was less bare skin on her than is legally allowable in the state of California. Here, at last, was a female lead with some dignity and sense of purpose. In FFX-2, Yuna wears less than FFVII's notoriously slutty Tifa Lockheart, the hooker with a heart of gold. In fact, if you transplanted Tifa into the world of FFX-2, she would be among the most conservatively dressed on the planet, including people who live atop a snowy mountain peak. I think Rikku counts as officially naked now, and there is a character named Paine who is, I kid you not, dressed entirely in S&M leather for the ENTIRE GAME. Lulu, who we quickly find out is pregnant, is dressed in sensible maternity clothes: a dress made entirely of tight-fitting belts. Good idea there, Lu.

    Talking about Paine also reminds me of the stupid catchphrases your characters will be shouting in battle. In FFX the voice acting was a mixed bag, but all in all I really enjoyed it. Sure, some lines were poorly translated and some were sort of childish, but for the most part you could suspend your disbelief. In this game, disbelief is the name of the game. Your characters make stupid, stupid puns. When Lulu said, "Care for a drink?" before obliterating your enemies with Waterga, she had a cool sense of detachment that made it quirky and a little scary. When Rikku squeaks, "Well done, please!" before unloading Firaga onto your unwitting foes, you're going to groan at the very least. Paine is the only saving grace: about half of her lines suck, and the other half range from decent to downright good. But neither Rikku nor Yuna, who are now bereft of anything resembling a brain and APPARENTLY are fit for nothing more intellectually complicated than turning a treasure hunt into a fashion show have ANY lines worth hearing. It's really bad. I mean really.

    I think the single most insulting thing about this game is that it just lacks a shred of intelligence. The plot is one-dimensional, and it violates this single dimension repeatedly. Paine is the only character with any kind of depth, and by the end of the story Yuna and Rikku have successfully sucked all of her individuality out. It's scary. She pretty much does everything but die her hair pink and tie it in pigtails. It is personally insulting for me to have this game assume that I would care about its shoddy plot premise. This isn't a case of "Well, the last game was more sophisticated so this one couldn't possibly live up to it." It's like they didn't even try, and in fact attempted to make this game considerably shallower, on purpose. Why? Game makers are confused.

    Girls are and were rarely avid gamers. Girl gamers were a huge rarity, and they're not exactly common in these days either. Video game manufacturers have been trying to reach out to the notoriously aloof female market for a long time, and it's no coincidence that RPGs are the most-liked games by female gamers. What other genre are they supposed to get into? Blood-soaked FPS games, or fighting games that focus most of their attention on realistic breast-jiggling effects on their almost-naked female characters? Let's face it: in every arena except for RPGs and puzzle games, girls are relegated to the cheese at the end of the maze or eye candy for horny fifteen year old boys. In many RPGs girls are still just the princess who must be saved or the kind-hearted, maternal healer, but (especially in recent years) some female RPG characters actually contain some depth beyond being some guy's romantic interest. Final Fantasy VI, IX and X are some decent examples, although there are many others. Now, I'm not going to say that these are the only reasons for this, or that all RPGs treat women with respect and dignity, or that girls won't play games were women are subjugated. I'm just stating that this is one reason why girl gamers have preferred RPGs in recent years.

    Finally, Squaresoft decides to go whole-hog and make a game where the whole leading cast is female, and gear the whole game toward a female audience. In so doing, they have revealed the real reason that, for the most part, girls don't play video games: when game makers decide to put girls in a video game, this is usually what happens. The script and dialog are dumbed down. The intellectual, orchestral music is replaced with bubbly pop. Theme and symbolism are replaced with a fashion show. Everyone wears less clothes and has bigger breasts. Square, you finally realized that women were playing your games, and that FFX was by far their favorite, so you said, "Alright, girls. To our loyal female fans and to newcomers alike, here's a game just for you!" And then you insulted them. Way to go. I'm sure the ladies are overwhelmed that you crippled this game especially for them. All this goes to prove is that elderly marketers from a decreasingly misogynistic eastern culture have no idea what women are like or what they want, especially the type that would be drawn to video games and RPGs.

    And just so we're clear, I'm not alone on this one. My girlfriend -hates- this game with a burning passion. She refuses to touch it. She doesn't offend easily. She's a southern girl from North Carolina who could kick my ass. She plays ranked HALO online, hangs out with construction workers and plays both male and female D&D characters, both of which are strong and well-played. She's a political girl, and can match wits with about anybody in a debate. She's strong and independent. And she hates this game with a burning passion.

    And why not? Isn't this objectification of women the very reason that many video game players have trouble getting a date? Isn't this depiction of women as fragile flowers, vapid broads or infernal, barely-dressed venuses the exact reason girls won't touch video games and boys who immerse themselves in these games have no idea what real women are like? We have games now that are like production-length movies, some of which have plots better than some of the books in your local library. Isn't it time we start creating some realistic, interesting female characters? I'm shocked that the company that has done so much in this direction (see: Rydia, Terra, Celes, Freya, Yuna from FFX) finally got the chance to market a game just to female gamers, and they blew it with this sack of crap. Now female gamers have the right to ignore this industry until it tanks.

    The long and short of it is that this game is a crime. It's got some excellent parts, but ultimately this is Square pissing in your mouth. You might as well just watch The Simple Life for forty hours. This game is just one more brick in the Paris Hilton/Brittany Spears/Madonna wall of women condoning their own objectification. It hurts the most because Square, who was doing a better and better job with this whole issue, is the perpetrator. It's like being betrayed by your best friend.

    I have no choice, then but to give this game the low rating it deserves. I earnestly pray that Squaresoft changes course on this matter next time it gets a shot.
    Thursday, December 14th, 2006
    2:12 pm
    Becoming Choleric
    Alright, this one is going to take some explanation. Here's an amateur lesson in the basics of alchemy and personality.

    Way back in the days of Aristotle, when observant science was still young, it was believed that the world consisted of four elements and that all matter could be described by four properties. Both the elements and the properties were sets of opposing pairs. The properties were dry and wet, hot and cold. The elements where fire (hot and dry) and water (cool and wet), earth (cold and dry) and air (hot and wet). Also associated with each element was a "humor" or bodily fluid. Anatomy was very poorly understood, since cutting anyone open for surgery was really a bad idea and autopsies on the dead were generally avoided. It was believed that the body contained four fluids or humors: blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm. Understand that this wasn't an exact science, so pretty much any yellow, black or white liquid was considered yellow bile, black bile or phlegm. The balance of these four humors determined your mood and general health. This is where the idea of bloodletting was devised: diseases and general maladies were believed to be imbalances of the fluids in your body. Bloodletting would allow these fluids to drain and be restored, and therefore maintain their balance.

    We have abandoned much of this as, quite obviously, it's not exactly hard science. But one thing we still have with us from this ancient practice is the excellent observation of human attitudes and personalities that the Greeks were able to observe. Each humor was associated with a different bodily fluid and element: Fire/Black Bile was associated with the Choleric temperament, Air/Yellow Bile with Melancholy, Water/Phlegm with Phlegmatic and Earth/Blood with Sanguine. Choleric people are extremely passionate and often confrontational or combative. To be "in choler" meant to be angry or to have your hackles up (ready for a fight.) Phlegmatic people, on the other hand, are dispassionate and disconnected, able to remove themselves from their emotions and make calculated decisions. We still use the term "phlegmatic" today, although few know its origins. Sanguine people, associated with blood and the earth, are passionate and joyous and outgoing. To have a sanguine complexion means to have blushing cheeks or to have a bright, reddish skin tone; in other words, to be full of blood and therefore full of life and spirit. Melancholy people, the opposite of the sanguine, are introverted and happier on their own. Where a sanguine person might like to branch out into a wide social circle and drink and party and have a good time, melancholy people are more likely to be reserved, with a tight circle of few friends who really "get" them. A melancholy person is more likely to enjoy a night at home with a few friends than a big party, and they are more likely to value their own moods and feelings than to "feel out" a group's machinations.

    My dominant personality is melancholy. I am, however, also quite choleric. I have difficulty arguing for something that I don't believe in strongly, and I tend to argue and crusade for what I think is right and against what I think is wrong. However, my melancholy temperament often gets in the way. I am somewhat timid when I'm face to face with people, no matter the situation. It is easier for me to speak to people in the abstract, like speaking to a crowd, than to deal with individuals.

    I am training myself to become more choleric, more confrontational, more assertive. Things are actually working out quite well, as many of you might expect.

    I really don't know why I felt like talking about it, but I did. And look, now you know about ancient Greek medicine and sociology! It may not be a lot, but it's enough to be dangerous. Enjoy.
    Monday, December 4th, 2006
    10:24 pm
    The Stories We Tell
    One of the undeniably true concepts in the world is this: the stories we tell one another are important. Even people who don't really believe this think that they do. It's so obvious that nobody would openly deny it. Obviously, the things we hear have an effect on us. In ancient times, children were taught by storytelling, inculcating them with the values of society; the hatred of enemies, the values of whatever that society deemed most important, who should be respected, who should be listened to, who were the heroes, and the fate of those who ignore these warnings. In other words, storytelling was didactic: it was meant to teach important lessons. Anything that happened in the story was meant to teach something on one level or another. There is nothing arbitrary in didactic storytelling.

    Today, we do not learn things from stories of Beowulf told around the campfire. I contend that we learn things from three places: our families, our schools and our television sets. Honestly, the first two are decreasing in importance. Some families are still stable purveyors of virtue and value, but even stable, nuclear families are having less and less say in what their children are taught. Schools take on greater importance, then, but there is a weakness of schools: children rarely listen in them. Classroom discipline has hit its lowest point in... well, ever. But television viewership for the average American child (under 18) has just gone over 4 hours per day. That's 2/3 of the time spent in school, and it dosen't include a lunch break.

    And why not? The reason that children were taught with stories and not rote memorization of virtues was that even the ancients realized that entertainment is an excellent medium to convey values. Children (and adults as well) pay much more attention to entertaining stories than they do to dry, boring facts. Television has an almost hypnotic effect on young children, and shows and advertisements aimed at them are created specifically to nab their attention and hold on with both fists as long as they can. Older children and adults are less effected by TV, but the same effect is still present in one form or another. Subtly, our attitudes and behavior are affected and our outlook on life changed by TV programming.

    And so the stories we tell one another are important. The values of television affect our values. For some, the values of television become their values, although these are rare cases. Nonetheless, hearing every day about a hole in the ozone layer in TV and movies can override all of the evidence in the world that man-made global warming is a hoax of science. Constantly negative portrayal of organized religion has many convinced that all Christians are just a bunch of crazies with no rational basis for their faith who relentlessly persecute and judge others.

    Now, TV is not mind control. It cannot change a willfully set mind. It cannot pull people from their seats and force them to take idiot actions. This is as ludicrous a fallacy as stating that guns are responsible for violence or that scantily clad women are responsible for rape. But it would be foolish beyond measure to pretend that TV-cultivated cultures of religious hatred, violence and sexuality have no effect on us, day in and day out.

    Should we pass laws against forms of content? Should we get the government involved? Should we make TV programmers partially implicit in prosecutions for TV-inspired crimes? NO. We should not resort to the government to solve our problems for us. Rather, we need to limit our own TV intake. We need to analyze the stories that we are being told and decide what is valuable and what we can discount. We need to control strictly the amount and type of TV that children consume in our families. And we need to make our voices heard; the only way that TV quality will improve is if the companies that make programs know what people want.

    And let me end by saying that not everything with a negative message is terrible. I think it would be terribly tragic if Sin City were never made, and it doesn't get much more twisted than that. Consenting adults should be able to choose to view this content. But it's like chocolate cake: eating a piece of chocolate cake now and then will do you no real harm, if you're careful. Eating half a chocolate cake every day, like any other steady diet of delicious crap, will kill you eventually and make you miserable in the meantime. There's a medium between "nothing but Veggie Tales and the Catholic Church Channel" and what we have now. We need to find that medium.
    Monday, November 27th, 2006
    11:46 pm
    Designing a Dungeons and Dragons Class
    Today we take a dive into my nerd-dom with a look at one of my hobbies: designing D&D classes. Avid roleplayers may learn something. Everyone else will probably find this incredibly boring.

    There are a few steps in the process:

    1. Conceptualize
    2. Plan
    3. Allocate Numbers
    4. Explain and Describe
    5. Playtest
    6. Polish

    STEP 1: CONCEPTUALIZE

    Your first step, as any good roleplayer, is to come up with a concept. This is a little more complicated than it sounds. "A guy who uses swords" is not enough. There are several questions you need to ask yourself:

    1. What roleplay purpose does this class serve? Are we designing an order of knights that requires very specific training and discipline, or a sort of generalized class that can be used by anyone? We'll revisit this question in later steps, so it's important. If your class serves absolutely no roleplay niche, you are wasting your time. Even if you bother to make it, nobody will play it.

    2. What gameplay purpose does this class serve? Think about your genres and sub-genres; tank, enforcer, skill-user, healer, glass cannon, utility caster, debuffer (the "maledictorian") and jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none. Most importantly: is anybody going to bother using this class? Is there any point to it if it's faster, easier and more flexible to build a fighter or a wizard? You'd be surprised how many class ideas could just be a different class with a little imagination and/or DM permission to change something. I can't tell you how many times I've allowed rangers in my games to give up spellcasting powers for bigger hit dice or more skill points.

    3. What are the basic skills this character would need to have, and what abilities would they obtain over time? Remember that classes get extremely powerful as levels go up, so generally you need to imagine at least two skills or powers that the class would obtain that are a little more than mundane, like damage reduction or spell resistance or some kind of special attack.

    Once you've got the niches and basic concepts and powers figured out, it's time for step 2...

    STEP 2: PLAN

    This goes hand-in-hand with the last part of step 1, actually. Determine what kind of abilities you want this class to have based on its niche. If it's a tanking class, ensure that it has abilities that serve this purpose. If it's a casting class, determine whether it will have full spellcasting or partial. Determine what kind of spells in general you want on its class list. If you're building an enforcer, decide what shape this enforcement will take. The clearer your character concept, the easier this process will be.

    Don't just think of special abilities, either. Think of what kind of BAB, BSBs and SP the character would have compared to other classes. Is it as combat skilled as a fighter? Is it as skillful as a rogue? Is it as tough as a barbarian? Again, make a little short list of things you definitely want or don't want.

    Once you've got a really good idea of what this class will be able to do and how it will do it, it's time to mosey on to step 3...

    STEP 3: ALLOCATE NUMBERS

    Here's the tedious part, at least for me. Using what you've got figured out, determine the Base Attack Bonus, Hit Dice, Base Save Bonuses, Skill Points Per Level, Class Skills and (if prestige class) Prerequisites for the class. Use your previous decisions about what you definitely want or don't want. Be careful not to make a Favored Soul. That is, don't just throw out everything in obscene amounts to a class because you want it to be awesome.

    Also, figure out if the class is going to be a generalized class (fighter, sorcerer, cleric) or a more restricted class with more powerful abilities (monk, paladin, druid). This is not a minor point. A character that can't wear metal armor or that has to follow a very specific roleplay regimen (especially one that will restrict it in combat) deserves a boost, but minor drawbacks with easy loopholes aren't worth the extra power. This is very important for class balance; without their alignment restrictions and drawbacks Paladins are extremely powerful characters, and without their vows against armor and most weapons Monks are just plain unfair (and I think they still are). If someone is outshining the rest of the party not due to cleverness or good roleplay but because they picked a class that wasn't thought out well, that really ruins a good game. Very generalized classes are also easier to playtest and balance than specific classes, but they're harder to make a niche for that isn't already filled.

    Lastly, figure out the abilities, especially what level they will be obtained and how they will grow in power or number of uses if they do. Don't just arbitrarily throw out numbers, either. Think carefully about how other classes work and what the benefits and drawbacks of different number changes is.

    STEP 4: EXPLAIN AND DESCRIBE

    Now that the confusing math part is all over, list out all of the special abilities that the character has, especially those that differ from different classes. Give a really rough explaination of what the ability is, how it works, how the numbers work, etc. Talk about how many dice of damage that special technique does here, and when it levels up. This is just like the text for such abilities in the class descriptions already in D&D books, but you don't need to get nearly as technical and redundant as they do. That part comes later. Just get down the basics first.

    STEP 5: PLAYTEST

    Either by yourself or with a couple of friends, put the class through its paces at various levels. You don't have to do every single one, but figure out if all of the things that you wanted to get done got done. Figure out if the drawbacks you added to the class in order to make it more powerful are even an impediment, or if they ruin the whole class because they're so restrictive. Find out if the ability you gave your character is way too much, or not even close to enough. Test it alongside sorcerers, fighters, clerics and rogues. If it's outhealing the cleric, outcasting the sorcerer, outskilling the rogue or outfighting the fighter, consider your options carefully. You may have meant it to and stocked it with powerful drawbacks in order to balance this. It may be a total fluke. Just beware classes that become gestalt classes, filling the niche of two classes fully. It's fine to have a fighter-type character with spellcasting abilities, but they shouldn't simultaneously fight as well as a fighter and cast as well as a spellcaster at the same time. Balance is key. If you want a class that balances all roles masterfully, look at the bard.

    Lastly, have someone help you test for twinking. Find ways to use the abilities that you didn't even think of. Look for places where you'll have to state the rules very specifically in order to avoid hurt feelings or accusations of cheating. Ensure that the skills and powers you designed work only as you designed them.

    STEP 6: POLISH

    Once you've got everything tested and balanced, write a class description. Go back through those abilities and write up fuller descriptions for them, including all of the rules redundancies you found at the end of step 5. Get your hot, artistic girlfriend to draw you a class picture. If possible, retype or rewrite it (preferrably in pen) so that it won't get smudged and so that people aren't reading around your erasure marks every time they make a character. Put the whole thing on a table if at all possible.

    Once it's all typed up and ready, start a new campaign and let people try it out if they like, or hold it in reserve for some sunny day. You never know when a villain with a new set of powers can make things interesting...

    And that's pretty much it. Now, for your enjoyment, my recreation of the Bard class using the rules above. I really don't like the PHB bard. I think it's good in concept, sort of, but the bardic music seemed laughably useless and the spells were extremely nifty. Therefore, I got rid of his spellcasting, tore apart his bardic music powers, merged them together with my own personal touches, and created the new bard. He fights about as well as the old bard, but he does it much differently. Early on, he has few uses of his powers and they have few effects. He dosen't harm as well as a sorcerer or nearly as often, and he dosen't heal as well as a cleric, nor does he have their variety. As time goes on, however, his capabilities grow until he can fill every niche with some competence, or you can specialize your bard as you see fit in order to have him fill a particular niche about as well as any given class. Throw in the mix my huge list of prestige classes and, well... hehe. Enjoy, and feel free to use.


    Revised Bard

    HD: d6 BAB: Med Saves: R/W Proficiency: Same as normal bard

    Level - Songs Known - SPD - Special
    --1 ------- 2 -------- 2 -- Fascinate, Countersong, Summon Instrument, Bardic Knowledge
    --2 ------- 3 -------- 4
    --3 ------- 3 -------- 6 -- Expand Range (+30 ft.)
    --4 ------- 4 -------- 8
    --5 ------- 4 -------- 10 - Instrument Focus
    --6 ------- 5 -------- 12
    --7 ------- 5 -------- 14 - Empower Music (x1.5)
    --8 ------- 6 -------- 16
    --9 ------- 6 -------- 18 - Expand Range (+60 ft.)
    --10 ------ 7 -------- 20
    --11 ------ 7 -------- 22 - Swift Song (move)
    --12 ------ 8 -------- 24
    --13 ------ 8 -------- 26 - Empower Music (x2)
    --14 ------ 9 -------- 28
    --15 ------ 9 -------- 30 - Expand Range (+90 ft.)
    --16 ------ 10 ------- 32
    --17 ------ 10 ------- 34 - Swift Song (swift)
    --18 ------ 11 ------- 36
    --19 ------ 11 ------- 38 - Empower Music (x2.5)
    --20 ------ 12 ------- 40

    Fascinate: As the bard special ability from the PHB. One use of bardic music.

    Countersong: As the bard special ability from the PHB. In order to countersong another bard you must defeat him in an opposed perform check, but only if he is using a bardic music ability. Only works on affects within the range of bardic music. One use of bardic music.

    Summon Instrument: As the spell. Can be used once per day per point of charisma bonus the bard has. After that may be used by expending one use of bardic music.

    Bardic Knowledge: As the class ability from the PHB.

    Bardic Music: Bards may use Bardic music much like a sorcerer’s spells. Each bard song consumes one use of Bardic music. Unless otherwise noted, using bardic music is a standard action and continuing to play is a standard action. The saving throw DC for a bard’s song is 10 + ½ the bard’s level + the bard’s Cha modifier. See the list of available bardic music at the end of the bard’s description. The default range for all bardic music is 30 ft.

    Expand Range: At 3rd level, by expending one additional use of bardic music the bard may expand the range of his song by 30 ft. At 9th level the bard may expend 2 extra uses of bardic music to expand the range of a song by 60 ft. Etc. This ability can be combined with the empower music and/or the swift song abilities, but all costs are cumulative.

    Instrument Focus: At fifth level the bard may choose one type of perform check. He gains a +2 competence bonus on this type of check.

    Empower Music: At 7th level a bard may expend 2 additional uses of bardic music to multiply a single perform check by 1.5. Every sixth level thereafter the bard gains the ability to expend an additional 2 additional uses of bardic music to empower his music by a further half of the original check result. For example, a 13th level bard could either expend 2 additional uses of bardic music when singing a song to multiply the check result by 1.5, or he could expend 4 additional uses of bardic music to multiply the result by 2. This ability can be combined with the swift song and/or the expand range class abilities, but all costs are cumulative.

    Swift Song: At 11th level the bard may expend 4 extra uses of bardic music when playing a bardic song in order to change the singing time from a standard action into a move action. At 17th level the bard may expend 8 extra uses of bardic music when playing a bardic song in order to change the singing time from a standard action into a swift action. This ability can be combined with the expand range and/or the empower music class abilities, but all costs are cumulative.

    Examples of Combining Music:
    Normal Song: 1 bardic music
    Empowered (1.5x): 1 + 2 = 3 bardic music
    Expanded (+30ft): 1 + 1 = 2 bardic music
    Swift (move): 1 + 4 = 5 bardic music
    Empowered (2x) and Swift (swift): 1 + 4 + 8 = 13 bardic music
    Expanded (+90 ft) and Empowered (x2.5) and Swift (swift): 1 + 3 + 6 + 8 = 18 bardic music
    Etc.

    Song List:

    Song of Healing – Heals one ally in range equal to 1/4 a perform check result. Maximum healing equal to bard’s charisma modifier times his level.

    Improved Song of Healing – Heals one ally in range equal to 1/2 a perform check result. Maximum healing equal to double bard’s charisma modifier times his level. (Requires: Song of Healing, bard level 6th)

    Song of Mass Healing – Heals all allies in range equal to 1/4 a perform check result. Maximum healing equal to bard’s charisma modifier times his level. (Requires: Song of Healing, Improved Song of Healing, bard level 10th)

    Improved Song of Mass Healing – Heals all allies in range equal to 1/2 a perform check result. Maximum healing equal to double bard’s charisma modifier times his level. (Requires: Song of Healing, Improved Song of Healing, Song of Mass Healing, bard level 14th)

    Chant of Brimming Vigor – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Strength equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1.

    Chant of Overflowing Vigor – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Strength equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Chant of Brimming Vigor, bard level 8th)

    Aria of Swiftness – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Dexterity equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1.

    Aria of Unmatched Swiftness – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Dexterity equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Aria of Swiftness, bard level 8th)

    Stone Tower – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Constitution equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1.

    Iron Tower – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Contitution equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Stone Tower, bard level 8th)

    Melody of Concentration - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Intelligence equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1.

    Melody of Perfect Concentration – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Intelligence equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Melody of Concentration, bard level 8th)

    Tune of Clarity - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Wisdom equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1.

    Tune of Great Clarity – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Wisdom equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Tune of Clarity, bard level 8th)

    Song of Splendor - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Charisma equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s improved charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1.

    Song of Awesome Splendor – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Charisma equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s improved charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Song of Splendor, bard level 8th)

    Chant of Slothful Weakness – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Strength equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +1.

    Chant of Crippling Weakness – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Strength equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +2 (Requires: Chant of Slothful Weakness, bard level 8th)

    Aria of Clumsiness – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Dexterity equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +1.

    Aria of Unsurpassed Clumsiness – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Dexterity equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +2 (Requires: Aria of Clumsiness, bard level 8th)

    Fragile Flower – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Constitution equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +1.

    Wilting Flower – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Constitution equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +2 (Requires: Fragile Flower, bard level 8th)

    Counfounding Melody – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Intelligence equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +1.

    Retarding Melody – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Intelligence equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +2 (Requires: Confounding Melody, bard level 8th)

    Clouded Mind – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Wisdom equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +1.

    Impenetrable Fog – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Wisdom equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +2 (Requires: Clouded Mind, bard level 8th)

    Doubtful Ditty – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Charisma equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +1.

    Egobuster Ditty – All enemies in range who fail a saving throw take a morale penalty to Charisma equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum penalty is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum penalty +2 (Requires: Clouded Mind, bard level 8th)

    Sonic Blast – Harms one enemy in range equal to 1/4 a perform check result. Maximum damage equal to bard’s charisma modifier times his level. Deals sonic damage.

    Supersonic Blast – Damages one enemy in range equal to 1/2 a perform check result. Maximum damage equal to double bard’s charisma modifier times his level. Deals sonic damage. (Requires: Sonic Blast, bard level 6th)

    Mass Sonic Blast – Harms all enemies in range equal to 1/4 a perform check result. Maximum damage equal to bard’s charisma modifier times his level. Deals sonic damage. (Requires: Sonic Blast, Supersonic Blast, bard level 10th)

    Mass Supersonic Blast – Harms all enemies in range equal to a perform check result. Maximum damage equal to double bard’s charisma modifier times his level. Deals sonic damage. (Requires: Sonic Blast, Supersonic Blast, Mass Sonic Blast, bard level 14th)

    Shield of Words – Grants one ally in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/10 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Bard level 4th)

    Greater Shield of Words – Grants one ally in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/5 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2. (Requires: Shield of Words, Bard level 8th)

    Mass Shield of Words – Grants all allies in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/10 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Shield of Words, Greater Shield of Words, Bard level 12th)

    Greater Mass Shield of Words – Grants all allies in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/5 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2. (Requires: Shield of Words, Greater Shield of Words, Mass Shield of Words, Bard level 16th)

    Song of Readiness – Grants all allies in range a bonus on initiative checks equal to 1/10 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1 (Requires: Bard level 6th)

    Improved Song of Readiness – Grants all allies in range a bonus on initiative checks equal to 1/5 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1 (Requires: Song of Readiness, Bard level 12th)





    Maestro
    This bardic prestige class focuses on using bardic music in new and interesting ways. Maestros are dedicated to the pursuit of music and focus heavily on it.

    Prereqs:
    Feats: Skill Focus (Perform [any])
    Skills: Perform (any) 14 ranks
    Special: Instrument Focus class ability (must be the same perform type as the skill focus feat), Expand Range (+60ft) class ability, Empower Music (x2) class ability, Swift Song (move) class ability

    HD: d6 BAB: Med Saves: Will SP: 2 + Int Mod CS: Concentration, Listen, Perform (any)


    Level - Songs Known - SPD - Special
    --1 -------- 1 ------- 2 -- Devoted Artist
    --2 -------- 1 ------- 4 -- Expand Range (+30 ft.)
    --3 -------- 2 ------- 6 -- Extra Music
    --4 -------- 2 ------- 8 -- Empower Music (+0.5x)
    --5 -------- 3 ------- 10 - Symphony of Synthesis

    Devoted Artist: The maestro adds his class level to whatever perform check he has chosen for his Instrument Focus class ability.

    Expand Range (+30ft.): At 2nd level the maestro’s expand music class ability increases by 30ft. He must expend extra uses of bardic music to expand his range as normal.

    Extra Music: At 3rd level the maestro gains Extra Music as a bonus feat.

    Empower Muisc (+0.5x): At 4th level the maestro’s empower music class ability increases by 0.5x. He must expend extra uses of bardic music to empower his songs as normal.

    Symphony of Synthesis: At 5th level the maestro becomes a master of his chosen type of performance. When using the perform check indicated by his Instrument Focus class ability he may sing two songs at once, essentially blending the effects. He must still pay for all effects on both songs, however, so if he wishes to expand, empower or make swift either song he must pay for the enhancements individually. Alternatively, if he has levels in a spellcasting class, he may cast a spell and sing a song simultaneously, assuming that the spell has a casting time of no more than a standard action.

    Songs: The maestro’s songs per day add to the bard’s songs per day, as any bard class. He may add his maestro levels to his bard levels to determine which songs he can learn in either class. He may choose to learn a bard song instead of a maestro song if he pleases. The DC for a saving throw versus a maestro’s songs is 10 + the maestro’s class level + the maestro’s charisma modifier. Otherwise, a maestro’s singing works exactly like bardic music in every way.

    Song List:

    Song of the Master - Any ally in range making a skill check may instead use the Maestro’s perform check so long as he is within range. For example, an ally that used the Maestro’s perform check for a jump check would lose the bonus if he were to jump outside of the song’s range. (Requires: Maestro level 5th)

    Song of Perfection - Any ally in range making a skill check may take 10, even if circumstances normally would not allow it. (Requires: Maestro level 5th)

    Song of Inspiration - All allies in range gain a morale bonus to attack rolls, skill checks, ability checks and saving throws equal to the maestro’s charisma modifier.

    Song of Hope - If any ally in range is forced to make a saving throw against fear effects, enchantments or death effects they may use the Maestro’s perform check instead of their saving throw if they so desire.

    Song of Stunning Beauty - All enemies in range must make a will saving throw against the maestro’s DC or be held as though by a hold monster spell. Each round that the maestro plays the creatures may make a saving throw to break the enchantment. A creature that breaks the enchantment is immune to the same maestro’s Song of Stunning Beauty unless they go out of range and come back in or the maestro stops playing and plays a new Song of Stunning Beauty.

    Song of Otherworldly Beauty - All enemies in range must make a will saving throw against the maestro’s DC or be held as though by a hold monster spell. Each round that the maestro plays the creatures may make a saving throw to break the enchantment. Even if a creature breaks the enchantment he must still make a save every round or be held by the beauty of the song. (Requires: Song of Stunning Beauty, Maestro level 3rd)

    Song of Brimming Souls – All allies in range gain a +2 morale bonus to Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom and Charisma. The Maestro takes 1d6 points of nonlethal damage every round he plays the song and must make a concentration check (DC 10 + damage dealt) every round or lose the song. (Requires: Maestro level 3rd)

    Dirge of Empty Souls – All enemies in range who fail a will saving throw take a -2 morale penalty to Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom and Charisma. The Maestro takes 1d6 points of nonlethal damage every round he plays the song and must make a concentration check (DC 10 + damage dealt) every round or lose the song. Enemies who pass their save cannot be affected by the same dirge of empty souls unless they exit and re-enter the song’s area or unless the maestro plays a new dirge of empty souls. (Requires: Maestro level 3rd)






    Charlatan
    These tricksters use their quasi-magical abilities, swift thinking and great planning prowess to trick others into doing their bidding. Evil and neutral charlatans are swindlers, thieves and brigands. Good charlatans use their abilities selectively, preying on foolish evildoers, recovering stolen goods and swindling the swindlers in order to restore justice and stolen property.

    Prereqs:
    Alignment: Any non-lawful
    Feats: Persuasive
    Skills: Bluff 15 ranks
    Special: Must have used bluff to successfully trick someone out of money or a prized possession.

    HD: d8 BAB: Med Saves: Reflex SP: 6 CS: Appraise, Balance, Bluff, Climb, Craft, Diplomacy, Disable Device, Disguise, Escape Artist, Forgery, Hide, Intimidate, Jump, Knowledge (local), Listen, Move Silently, Open Lock, Perform, Profession, Sense Motive, Spot, Tumbling, Use Magic Device, Use Rope

    Level - Special
    --1 --- Glibness, Escape Route
    --2 --- Suggestion, Sneak Attack +1d6, Dirty Fighting
    --3 --- Charm Person
    --4 --- Mass Suggestion, Sneak Attack +2d6
    --5 --- Master Swindler

    Glibness: May be used as spell-like ability with a caster level equal to class level, once per day per class level up to a maximum of charlatan’s charisma modifier.

    Escape Route: The charlatan is always ready with a way out. When using the withdraw combat action he gains a +4 bonus to avoid attacks of opportunity for passing through threatened squares. In addition, he gains a +4 competence bonus on escape artist, hide and move silently checks.

    Suggestion: At 2nd level the charlatan may work a suggestion into his bluff checks, but this only works on a target whose attitude is at least helpful to him. The DC for the suggestion is 10 + the charlatan’s class level + the charlatan’s charisma modifier.

    Sneak Attack: As the rogue class ability.

    Dirty Fighting: The charlatan is well versed in methods of dirty fighting. By attacking unarmed or with a sap, staff, club or dagger, the charlatan can use the following special abilities:

    Eye Gouge – When making a sneak attack the charlatan may forego 1d6 of his sneak attack damage in order to blind the opponent for 1d4 rounds. This does not work on creatures that are immune to sneak attacks or have no eyes. He may attempt this when not sneak attacking at a -4 penalty to the attack. Using this attack without a sneak attack provokes an attack of opportunity.

    Ankle Smash – When making a sneak attack the charlatan may forego 1d6 of his sneak attack damage in order to lower the opponent’s movement speed to 5 feet for 1d4 rounds. This does not work on creatures that are immune to sneak attacks or with strange anatomies or multiple legs. He may attempt this when not sneak attacking at a -4 penalty to the attack. Using this attack without a sneak attack provokes an attack of opportunity.

    Rack – The ultimate dirty trick. The charlatan may forego 2d6 of his sneak attack damage in order to cripple a male opponent, stunning it and knocking it prone for 1d10 minutes. For the first 1d4 rounds the target is considered helpless. This does not work on female targets, asexual creatures or creatures that are immune to sneak attacks or that have strange anatomies. The charlatan may attempt this when not sneak attacking at a -8 penalty to the attack. If he does not have 2d6 sneak attack damage he must forego all sneak attack damage and takes an additional -4 penalty to the attack, even if it is a sneak attack. Using this attack without a sneak attack provokes an attack of opportunity and the charlatan takes a -4 penalty to AC versus a sneak attack from the target of the attack because he puts himself in a very overextended position. On a critical hit, a rack forces the target to make a fortitude save (DC 20) or die.

    Charm Person: At 3rd level the charlatan may use Charm Person as a spell-like ability a number of times per day equal to his charisma modifier. The DC for this effect is 10 + the charlatan’s class level + the charlatan’s charisma modifier.

    Mass Suggestion: At 4th level the charlatan may attempt to make suggestions to entire crowds, as the suggestion ability. However, the crowd’s attitude toward him generally must be at least friendly.

    Master Swindler: At 5th level the charlatan becomes a master of swindling. He may add his intelligence modifier to all bluff checks, and in addition gains a +4 competence bonus on bluff checks made to lie, disguise checks made to disguise himself from others, sleight of hand checks made to steal items or conceal small objects, and forgery checks made to create forgeries. Lastly, the penalties for his dirty fighting abilities are reduced by half (to -2, -2 and -4 respectively.)





    Soother of Hearts
    This bardic prestige class uses its musical powers to soothe, calm and heal others. It is mostly defensive or noncombative in nature.

    Prereqs:
    Alignment: Any nonevil
    Skills: Perform (any) 8 ranks, Heal 4 ranks
    Special: Improved Song of Healing bardic music ability

    HD: d6 BAB: Weak Saves: Will SP: 4 CS: Concentration, Craft, Diplomacy, Handle Animal, Heal, Knowledge (all skills, taken individually,) Listen, Perform, Profession, Spot, Use Magic Device

    Level - Songs Known - SPD - Special
    --1 -------- 0 ------- 1 -- Healer’s Affinity +1, Healing Lore, Bardic Knowledge
    --2 -------- 1 ------- 2 -- Empower Music (+0.5x)
    --3 -------- 1 ------- 3 -- Healer’s Affinity +2
    --4 -------- 2 ------- 4 -- Song of Mass Healing
    --5 -------- 2 ------- 5 -- Healer’s Affinity +3
    --6 -------- 3 ------- 6 -- Swift Song (move)
    --7 -------- 3 ------- 7 -- Healer’s Affinity +4
    --8 -------- 4 ------- 8 -- Improved Song of Mass Healing
    --9 -------- 4 ------- 9 -- Healer’s Affinity +5
    --10 ------- 5 ------- 10 - Expand Range (+30 ft.)

    Healer’s Affinity: Soother of Hearts levels stack with bard levels to determine the maximum healing potential of Song of Healing, Improved Song of Healing, Song of Mass Healing, Improved Song of Mass Healing, Song of Divine Restoration and Song of Divine Healing. In addition, the soother gains the indicated bonus to her charisma modifier when determining the maximum amount of HP she may heal with any of the aforementioned songs.

    Healing Lore: A soother of hearts may add her ranks in Heal to the perform check made to determine the power of Song of Healing, Improved Song of Healing, Song of Mass Healing, Improved Song of Mass Healing, Song of Divine Restoration or Song of Divine Healing. If the soother is using the Empower Music class ability, add this bonus on after multiplying the check result; her ranks in heal are not multiplied.

    Bardic Knowledge: Soother of Hearts level stack with bard levels to determine the bonus on a bardic knowledge check.

    Empower Muisc (+0.5x): At 2nd level the soother’s empower music class ability increases by 0.5x. She must expend extra uses of bardic music to empower his songs as normal. If the soother of hearts does not have the empower music class ability, she gains it as a bard does at 7th level.

    Song of Mass Healing: At 4th level the soother of hearts learns the Song of Mass Healing as a bonus song, even if she dosen’t meet the prerequisites.

    Swift Song: At 6th level the soother of hearts gains the ability to sing songs as a move action, like a bard does. If she can already sing songs as a move action, she learns to sing them as a swift action instead.

    Improved Song of Mass Healing: At 8th level the soother of hearts learns the Improved Song of Mass Healing as a bonus song, even if she dosen’t meet the prerequisites.

    Expand Range (+30ft.): At 10th level the soother’s expand music class ability increases by 30ft. She must expend extra uses of bardic music to expand her range as normal. If the soother of hearts does not have the expand range class ability, she gains it as a bard does at 3rd level.

    Songs: A soother of hearts sings songs much like a bard. Her songs per day pool with any songs he might have from another singing class. Her soother levels stack with her bard levels to determine the DC of her bard songs and her soother songs, as well as her singer level.

    Song List:

    Ballad of Healing Lore – Allies in range may use the soother’s perform check in place of any heal check that they are attempting to make or any knowledge check related to healing (such a knowledge [nature] check made to identify healing herbs.)

    Song of Peace – All creatures in range that fail a will saving throw are affected as though by a Calm Emotions spell with a caster level equal to the soother’s singing level. If they are in combat they gain a +4 bonus on their save, but those who fail their save must immediately cease fighting.

    Melody of Concentration - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Intelligence equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Soother of Hearts level 2nd)

    Melody of Perfect Concentration – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Intelligence equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Melody of Concentration, Soother of Hearts level 4th)

    Tune of Clarity - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Wisdom equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Soother of Hearts level 2nd)

    Tune of Great Clarity – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Wisdom equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Tune of Clarity, Soother of Hearts level 4th)

    Song of Splendor - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Charisma equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s improved charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Soother of Hearts level 2nd)

    Song of Awesome Splendor – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Charisma equal to 1/5th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to twice bard’s improved charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2 (Requires: Song of Splendor, Soother of Hearts level 4th)

    Pulse Ward – Allies in range gain energy resistance versus negative energy equal ½ a perform check, rounded down. (Requires: Soother of Hearts level 6th)

    Life Abundant – Allies in range gain fast healing equal to the soother’s charisma modifier. (Requires: Soother of Hearts level 6th)

    Heartguard – All allies in range are immune to death effects and cannot be affected by a coup de grace attack. (Requires: Soother of Hearts level 8th)

    Poultice of the Divine – All allies in range heal 1d4 ability damage per round to a single ability score, chosen by the soother when she begins to sing. As a full round action, she may change the ability score affected, but must make a DC 10 concentration check when doing so or lose the song. If she loses the song in this fashion she may start it again as part of the same full-round action but must expend the uses of music in order to do so again. (Requires: Soother of Hearts level 8th)

    Song of Divine Restoration - Heals one ally in range equal to twice a perform check result. Maximum healing equal to eight times bard’s charisma modifier times his level. The target of healing is also affected as though by a Restoration spell. (Requires: Song of Healing, Improved Song of Healing, Song of Mass Healing, Improved Song of Mass Healing, Soother of Hearts level 10th)

    Song of Divine Healing - Heals all allies in range equal to a perform check result. Maximum healing equal to quadruple bard’s charisma modifier times his level. (Requires: Song of Healing, Improved Song of Healing, Song of Mass Healing, Improved Song of Mass Healing, Soother of Hearts level 10th)





    Reveler
    Lovers of joy, drink and song, revelers are able to create unique effects by harnessing the happiness of those gathered. They also gain a great deal of ability, even when drunk, similar to a drunken master.

    Prereqs:
    Feats: Improved Unarmed Strike,
    Skills: Perform (any) 6 ranks
    Special: Instrument Focus class ability, must have been successful in combat at least once while drunk

    HD: d6 BAB: Med Saves: Reflex SP: 6 CS: As Bard

    Level - Songs Known - SPD - Special
    --1 -------- 1 ------- 2 -- Tolerance, Roundhouse, Bardic Knowledge
    --2 -------- 1 ------- 4 -- Revelry (+10 ft)
    --3 -------- 2 ------- 6 -- Drunken Brawler +1
    --4 -------- 2 ------- 8 -- Revelry (+2 Ref/AC)
    --5 -------- 3 ------- 10 - Improvised Weapon Master
    --6 -------- 3 ------- 12 - Revelry (+20 ft), Drunken Brawler +2
    --7 -------- 4 ------- 14 - Inspire Revelry
    --8 -------- 4 ------- 16 - Revelry (DR 5/magic)
    --9 -------- 5 ------- 18 - Drunken Brawler +3
    --10 ------- 5 ------- 20 - Revelry (+30 ft)

    Tolerance: A reveler gains a +4 bonus on fortitude saves against poison, including alcohol. In addition, any drunkness penalties he suffers are reduced by an amount equal to his level.

    Roundhouse: Through experience in barroom brawls, the reveler learns to make a spectacular roundhouse punch. By taking a full-round action in order to make an unarmed strike, the reveler deals an additional 1d10 damage. An enemy struck by a roundhouse punch must make a fortitude save (DC 10 + the reveler’s strength modifier) or be stunned for 1d2 rounds.

    Bardic Knowledge: The reveler’s class level stacks with all other class levels to determine the bonus on his bardic knowledge check.

    Revelry: At 2nd level, the range of a reveler’s bardic music abilities increase by 10 feet when he is tipsy enough to suffer at least a -1 penalty from it. This goes into effect even if his Tolerance class ability negates the penalty. At 4th level he gains a +2 dodge bonus to AC and Reflex saves while he is singing so long as he is tipsy. At 6th level the range of his bardic music abilities expand an additional 10 feet when he is tipsy to a total of 20 feet. At 8th level he gains damage reduction 5/magic while singing so long as he is tipsy. At 10th level his abilities expand by an additional 10 feet when he is tipsy to a total of 30 feet. None of these abilities cost extra uses of bardic music. Note that getting drunk enough will make these bonuses pretty worthless.

    Drunken Brawler: At 3rd level the reveler gains a +1 bonus to melee attack and damage rolls while he is tipsy. This bonus increases by +1 every 3 levels thereafter.

    Improvised Weapon Master: At 5th level, a reveler becomes proficient with improvised weapons, effectively negating the -4 nonproficiency penalty on their use.

    Inspire Revelry: At 7th level the reveler may grant allies in range his AC and Reflex Save bonus from revelry, as well as his damage reduction when he obtains it at level 8. Bards in range also gain the bonus to song range that a reveler gets. In order to grant this bonus the reveler must sing a bardic song that affects his allies. He must expend one additional use of bardic music for each ally that he affects with this ability. He may choose to expend fewer uses of bardic music in order to affect fewer allies, but he always affects those closest to him first. For example, if Dalamar, a reveler, is attempting to inspire revelry in Mercerion, Mint and Valanthe. Valanthe is 10 feet away from him, Mint 15 feet away and Mercerion 25 feet away. If Dalamar chose to only spend 2 extra uses of bardic music, he would affect Valanthe and Mint but not Mercerion. He could not choose to affect Valanthe and Mercerion or Mint and Mercerion.

    Songs: Reveler levels stack with bard levels to determine the singing level and save DC of bard songs and reveler songs. Songs from other class song lists can fulfill the requirements for reveler songs.

    Song List:

    Song of Healing – Heals one ally in range equal to 1/4 a perform check result. Maximum healing equal to bard’s charisma modifier times his level.

    Chant of Brimming Vigor – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Strength equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Reveler level 3rd)

    Aria of Swiftness – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Dexterity equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Reveler level 3rd)

    Stone Tower – Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Constitution equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Reveler level 3rd)

    Melody of Concentration - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Intelligence equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Reveler level 3rd)

    Tune of Clarity - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Wisdom equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Reveler level 3rd)

    Song of Splendor - Grants all allies in range an enhancement bonus to Charisma equal to 1/10th a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus is equal to bard’s improved charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Reveler level 3rd)

    Fine Spirits – All enemies in range who fail a fortitude save become drunk, suffering a -4 penalty to reflex saves, skill checks, ability checks, attack rolls and AC checks as long as the reveler plays.

    Endless Stupor – All enemies in range who fail a fortitude save become drunk, suffering a -4 penalty to reflex saves, skill checks, ability checks, attack rolls and AC checks for a number of minutes equal to the reveler’s charisma modifier. (Requires: Reveler level 7th, Fine Spirits)

    Soulbright Song – All allies in range gain a bonus on save checks versus fear effects and morale penalties equal to the singer’s charisma modifier. In addition, any ally suffering from a fear effect or a morale penalty has that effect suppressed for the duration of the song. (Requires: Reveler level 3rd)

    Reveler’s Anthem – All allies in range gain a morale bonus on all checks equal to 1/10 a perform check, rounded down. Minimum bonus +1. Maximum bonus equal to the singer’s charisma modifier. (Requires: Reveler level 9th)

    The Wine-Press Dance – Inspired by songs that helped wine pressers to perform their task, this song makes any alcoholic beverage within the song’s range extremely sweet and also extremely potent. Any who imbibe the effected drinks take a -4 penalty on their save versus drunkenness and take a double drunkenness penalty if they become drunk on it. This enchantment lingers over the alcohol for one hour per singer level. This song takes 1 minute to fully perform.

    No Worries – This song induces a euphoric mood in all creatures in range. This doesn’t work on creatures that are in combat with one another. Any creature in range that fails a will save acts as though charmed by all other creatures likewise affected by the spell. In effect, this improves the mood of all effected.







    War Chanter
    War chanters are the mightiest of mighty bards. They are trained in the arts of war as well as the art of song, and can commonly be found in the midst of armies or, due to their charismatic ways, leading them. They express their thirst for battle and the exhilaration of combat in song.

    Prereqs:
    BAB: +5
    Feats: Martial Weapon Proficiency (any martial weapon), Weapon Focus (any), Combat Expertise
    Saves: Base Will +4, Base Reflex +4
    Skills: Perform (any) 6 ranks
    Special: Fascinate bardic music ability, plus any one of Chant of Brimming Vigor, Aria of Swiftness, Stone Tower or Tune of Readiness

    HD: d8 BAB: Strong Saves: Fort, Ref SP: 4 CS: Balance, Bluff, Climb, Concentration, Craft, Escape Artist, Handle Animal, Intimidate, Jump, Listen, Perform, Profession, Ride, Sense Motive, Sleight of Hand, Spot, Swim, Tumble

    Level - SPD - Songs Known - Special
    --1 ---- 1 ------- 0 ------ Combat Singer, Singing Shout
    --2 ---- 2 ------- 1
    --3 ---- 3 ------- 1 ------ Invigorated Singer (Str +2)
    --4 ---- 4 ------- 2
    --5 ---- 5 ------- 2 ------ Expand Range (+30 ft)
    --6 ---- 6 ------- 3
    --7 ---- 7 ------- 3 ------ Invigorated Singer (Con +2)
    --8 ---- 8 ------- 4
    --9 ---- 9 ------- 4 ------ Empower Song (+0.5x)
    --10 --- 10 ------ 5 ------ Singing Strike

    Combat Singer: A war chanter gains a +4 bonus on concentration checks to maintain concentration on a song after he has sustained damage. In addition, he may ignore up to one point of damage per war chanter level for the purposes of determining the concentration DC. He still takes the damage as normal.

    Singing Shout: By expending two uses of bardic music the war chanter may grant himself a +4 morale bonus on attack and damage rolls. Allies within 30 feet gain a +1 morale bonus on attack and damage rolls. This effect lasts one round. He may make this shout as a free action when charging.

    Invigorated Singer: At 3rd level, whenever the War Chanter is singing a war chanter song (any song on the war chanter list) he gains a +2 enhancement bonus to strength so long as he is playing. At 7th level, he also gains a +2 enhancement bonus to constitution while singing a war chanter song, so long as he keeps playing.

    Expand Range: As the bard ability. If the war singer already has expand range, this ability adds an additional 30 feet onto his capability, but he must expend additional uses of bardic music to empower his music so, as normal.

    Empower Song: As the bard ability. If the war singer already has empower song, this ability adds an additional 0.5x onto his capability, but he must expend additional uses of bardic music to empower his music so, as normal.

    Singing Strike: At 10th level, if a war chanter sings a war chanter song or maintains concentration on singing a war chanter song, he gains a partial action that may be used to make one attack against any enemy in range. If the attacked opponent would’ve been able to make an attack of opportunity against the war chanter for singing his song, he does not get that opportunity. If the war chanter already has a partial action from the haste spell or a similar ability, this does not grant him an additional partial action. However, if he uses that partial action to make an attack against an enemy, that enemy may not make an attack of opportunity on the war chanter for singing on concentrating on his war chanter songs in that round.

    Song List:

    Chant of Brimming Vigor – As the bard song of the same name.

    Chant of Overflowing Vigor – As the bard song of the same name. (Requires: Chant of Brimming Vigor, War Chanter level 4th)

    Aria of Swiftness – As the bard song of the same name.

    Aria of Unmatched Swiftness – As the bard song of the same name. (Requires: Aria of Swiftness, War Chanter level 4th)

    Stone Tower – As the bard song of the same name.

    Iron Tower – As the bard song of the same name. (Requires: Stone Tower, War Chanter level 4th)

    Shield of Words – Grants one ally in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/10 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1.

    Greater Shield of Words – Grants one ally in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/5 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2. (Requires: Shield of Words, War Chanter level 4th)

    Mass Shield of Words – Grants all allies in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/10 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1. (Requires: Shield of Words, Greater Shield of Words, War Chanter level 6th)

    Greater Mass Shield of Words – Grants all allies in range a deflection bonus to AC equal to 1/5 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +2. (Requires: Shield of Words, Greater Shield of Words, Mass Shield of Words, War Chanter level 8th)

    Song of Readiness – Grants all allies in range a bonus on initiative checks equal to 1/10 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1

    Improved Song of Readiness – Grants all allies in range a bonus on initiative checks equal to 1/5 a perform check, rounded down. Maximum bonus equal to twice bard’s charisma modifier. Minimum bonus +1 (Requires: Song of Readiness, War Chanter level 4th)

    Melody of Hungry Blades – Grants a morale bonus to attack rolls to all allies in range equal to 1/10 of a perform check, rounded down. Minimum bonus +1. Maximum bonus equal to singer’s charisma modifier.

    Melody of Ravenous Blades – Grants a morale bonus to attack rolls to all allies in range equal to 1/5 of a perform check, rounded down. Minimum bonus +2. Maximum bonus equal to double singer’s charisma modifier. (Requires: Melody of Hungry Blades, War Chanter level 6th)

    Tune of Awful Wounds - Grants a morale bonus to damage rolls to all allies in range equal to 1/10 of a perform check, rounded down. Minimum bonus +1. Maximum bonus equal to singer’s charisma modifier.

    Tune of Devastating Wounds – Grants a morale bonus to Damage rolls to all allies in range equal to 1/5 of a perform check, rounded down. Minimum bonus +2. Maximum bonus equal to double singer’s charisma modifier. (Requires: Tune of Awful Wounds, War Chanter level 6th)

    Tune of Blinding Speed – All allies in range are affected as though by the haste spell for as long as the war chanter keeps playing. (Requires: War Chanter level 10th)

    Piercing Notes – All allies in range ignore a number of points of damage reduction equal to the singer’s singing level, no matter what kind of damage reduction it is. (Requires: War Chater level 10th)





    Seeker of the Song
    There is a mystical tune that binds the entire universe together. Occasionally, mortals hear this tune; in dreams, during planar travel or when near death. Those who hear the song are changed forever by its beauty, and many dedicate their lives to searching for this newfound purpose. Those who find and harness the song that binds the planes together are granted immense power to manipulate the elements and forces around them.

    Prereqs:
    Skills: Perform (any) 15 ranks, Spellcraft 7 ranks
    Special: Empower Music class ability, must have heard part of the song the binds the planes

    HD: d4 BAB: Weak Saves: Will SP: 2 CS: Concentration, Knowledge (arcana), Knoweldge (history), Perform, Spellcraft, Use Magic Device

    Level - SPD - Songs Known - Special
    --1 ---- 2 ------- 1 ------ Spell Harmonics, Neverending Search
    --2 ---- 4 ------- 2 ------ Attuned Ear
    --3 ---- 6 ------- 3
    --4 ---- 8 ------- 4 ------ Manipulate Energy I
    --5 ---- 10 ------ 5
    --6 ---- 12 ------ 6 ------ Manipulate Energy II
    --7 ---- 14 ------ 7
    --8 ---- 16 ------ 8 ------ Manipulate Energy III
    --9 ---- 18 ------ 9
    --10 --- 20 ------ 10 ----- Perfect Song

    Spell Harmonics: Seekers of the song draw the power of their songs from the same universal springs of power that arcane magic comes from, even moreso than other singers. Their seeker songs are treated as arcane spells of the evocation school. Their songs are subject to spell resistance and will not function inside of an antimagic field. However, their songs will affect even deaf targets and can be used even in environments when normal songs would be unuseable. In addition, by succeeding on a spellcraft check equal to 10 + the level of an existing spell, the seeker may expend two uses of music in order to unbind the spell, destroying its effects.

    Neverending Search: In order to progress in the seeker class, the seeker must learn more of the song that binds the planes. He may not take a new level in the class until he hears more of it. He may have to go to extremes in order to hear more of the song, but he is always searching for it. His resolve grants him a +2 bonus on will saves versus enchantment effects and a +2 bonus on any opposed checks made to dissuade him from his path.

    Attuned Ear: At 2nd level the seeker’s ears become especially keen to the sounds of the song that binds the planes. He gains a +2 bonus on listen checks and a +2 bonus on all perform checks that involve sound. In addition, he can replicate any sound that he can hear. If he is affected by another bard’s song he gains the ability to replicate its effects by spending double the number of uses. This doubles all costs, including the cost of increasing the power of its effects through various bardic class abilities. The seeker can only recall the song clearly enough to replicate it for 1 hour per class level.

    Manipulate Energy: At 4th level the seeker can expend a use of bardic music to enhance the properties of elements. He can make fire hotter, pleasures more intense, pain more horrible, steel and stone harder and in general manipulate things. He can increase or decrease the DC of a spell or effect by 2 or increase the break DC of an object by 2. The use of this ability is entirely up to DM discretion. If used in combat, this ability must be used during the experience, so the seeker must delay in order to use this ability on the same initiative count as the effect he is manipulating. At 6th level the seeker can grant a +2 bonus or a -2 penalty on any skill check, ability check, saving throw, attack roll or AC check in a similar fashion. At 8th level he may increase or decrease the damage of an energy effect by 2d6 in a similar fashion.

    Perfect Song: At 10th level the seeker knows how to truly and powerfully manipulate the song that binds the planes so much that he gains power over life and death. By expending 4 uses of bardic music, he may attempt to slay one creature in his song range. The affected creature must make a fortitude save or have its body torn asunder. Even if it passes its save, the creature takes 5d6 points of damage that pierces all damage reduction and energy resistance. Alternatively, he may return a soul to its body, brining a dead ally back to life. This copies the effect of a resurrection spell, except the creature must have been dead 1 day per singer level or less. The creature still suffers level loss or constitution loss as normal.

    Songs:

    Burning Melody – This song creates a cone of fire, the size of the singer’s song range. It deals 10d6 fire damage to all creatures caught within. Creatures may make a reflex save in order to take half damage. Creatures who fail their saves catch fire, burning for 1d6 damage per round for a number of rounds equal to the singer’s singing level unless they take a full-round action and make another reflex save to attempt to put out the fire.

    Blazing Shell – This song creates a shell of fire around all allies in range, granting them fire resistance 30. Any creature that strikes them with a melee weapon takes 3d6 fire damage per attack and catches fire for 1d4 rounds. The damage can be halved and the catching fire negated with a reflex save.

    Freezing Melody – This song creates a cone of freezing ice shards, the size of the singer’s song range. It deals 10d6 cold damage to all creatures caught within. Creatures who fail a fortitude save are slowed for a number of rounds equal to the singer’s singing level. (Requires: Seeker level 3rd)

    Frostbite Shell – This song creates a shell of icy-cold air around all allies in range, granting them cold resistance 30. Any creature that strikes them with a melee weapon takes 3d6 cold damage per attack and is slowed for 1 minute. The damage can be halved and the slow effect negated with a fortitude save. (Requires: Seeker level 3rd)

    Requiem of Storm – This song creates a line of lightning, twice as long as the singer’s song range. All creatures and objects upon this line take 10d6 points of shocking damage and are stunned for 2d6 rounds. The damage can be halved and the stun negated by a fortitude save. (Requires: Seeker level 5th)

    Storm Shell – This song creates a shell of supercharged particles around all allies in range, granting them shocking resistance 30. Any creatures that strikes them with a melee weapon takes 3d6 shocking damage and is stunned for 1d4 rounds. The damage can be halved and the stun negated by a reflex save. (Requires: Seeker level 5th)

    Song of Pure Agony – This song creates a cone of acid, dealing 10d6 points of acid damage. Creatures who fail a reflex save take 5d6 more acid damage on the next round. (Requires: Seeker level 7th)

    Agonizing Shell – This song creates a shell of acid around all allies in range, granting them acid resistance 30. Any creature that strikes them with a melee weapon takes 3d6 acid damage, and their weapon takes this damage as well. The damage to the weapon can be negated with a reflex save. (Requires: Seeker level 7th)

    Song of Unmaking – This song deals 20d6 sonic damage to all creatures in range and deafens them permanently. Targets who pass a fortitude save halve the damage and negate the deafness effect. (Requires: Seeker level 9th)

    Shell of Unmaking – This song creates a shell of sonic force around all allies in range, granting them sonic resistance 30. Any creature that strikes them with a melee weapon takes 6d6 sonic damage and is permanently deafened. The damage can be halved and the deafness negated with a fortitude save. (Requires: Seeker level 9th)
    Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
    7:25 pm
    Media Hysterics
    In his book Bias, Bernard Goldberg, who worked at CBS for over 30 years, says that at one point the television networks saw it as their duty to show the news, even though they would lose money on it. And they -would- lose money on it. The news isn't as much for or as entertaining as the entertainment shows, obviously, and therefore fewer people would watch during the news hour. Nonetheless, the television bosses knew that they had great power and a responsibility to the American public. If it wasn't profitable, it was informative, and if the audience could trust the network it was good for both parties involved.

    At some point, however, a show was released. I forget which it was. Probably 60 Minutes or Dateline or 20/20. In any event, it was a show about public interest stories, exposes of dangers to the public, attack journalism and revelation of corruption on any level. People flocked to it. The show made profit like the non-news shows. The network bosses were ecstatic. They realized something: they didn't have to take a loss on news shows. The special protection was removed. The news programs had to do well in the ratings, just like every other show.

    At that point, other networks went the same route, each wanting their own version of this new moneymaking news show. Across the nation, news programs of all kinds had to suddenly fend for ratings.

    This caused a problem whose effects we now see more clearly than ever. News in this country is a big business. Ratings can mean millions, if not billions, of dollars. Television journalists have always suffered from one temptation: to break a big story. Walter Cronchite, the old fraud, will be remembered in history books for decades due to his (largely erroneous) coverage of the Vietnam war. The desire to be famous, to be a force for good, to be like Bob Woodward uncovering Watergate and go forever down in history as the intrepid journalist who sought the truth relentlessly and, despite all obstacles, served the interests of the American people, ironically inspires a selfish need to find scandal and corruption under every rock and log, regardless of whose lives are destroyed, careers ended and names eternally sullied. Connie Chung whipped up a ridiculous hysteria that bankrupted Dow Corning over silicone breast implants causing disease. There was no factual evidence, no scientific study, no actual empirical data... just the wildly conflicting anecdotes of three women and Connie Chung's desire to be remembered as the reporter who brought down the evil corporate empire that was hurting women. In what may have been the death knell for CBS, Dan Rather and his producer, Mary Mapes, used obviously faked documents that they received from a source that had been convicted and imprisoned for fraud in order to attack a President of the United States five days before his reelection. The rigorous fact checking methods of CBS were not necessary to mister Rather; only his crusader zeal to attack what he saw as a corrupt president, no matter if he was factually correct or not. To this day, Dan Rather has not apologized. He wanted to be famous. He will be, but not for the reasons he wanted.

    So this monster of greed for fame has endangered much of American news. But add into this formula the greed of media bosses for high ratings, and you've got one of the least reliable sources of media you could possibly get short of having a dictator control them directly. This is without even addressing the systematic bias inherent in most of television journalism. The same systematic bias that excluded minorities and women for years now excludes the point of view of over half the country. This is compounded even more by the fact that those who want to be journalists in the first place tend to have a certain worldview that lends itself to certain biases and beliefs. Roll all of this together and it's little wonder that Americans trust the official MSM (mainstream media) less and less every day, with the ratings of even cable networks plummeting.

    But I don't want to focus on the generally liberal bias of the media. It's been done to death, and much more thoroughly than I ever could. There's whole voluminous books dedicated to the subject, and they're better than I could do in a blog post. What I want to speak about is the ratings aspect of journalism, and how this biases against reasonable news programming.

    "Area Boy Doing Fine" is a poor headline, as well as, "CEO Does Not Rip Off Stockholders" and, "Nobody Offended by Mural of Christ's Teachings." Very rarely will you find a story that covers anything positive, simply because, in this ratings-driven age of media, bad news sells. If you can shock people into thinking they're in danger, their preservation instinct makes them nervous if they don't at least take a look. This is why once-respected publications like the Reader's Digest and Newsweek tend to be slathered with alarmist headlines: "Seven Things Every Milk Drinker Should Know," "Nine Corners Your Doctor May Be Cutting," "How to Avoid Being Ripped Off by Your Grocery Store," et cetera ad nauseum. Every magazine is trying to out-hysteric the other one, until it seems like the sky is falling. I know a woman who is afraid of everything, not because she reads tabloids but because she believes news magazine headlines. She seriously thinks that her doctor might try to kill her. She's paranoid. And why not? The "experts" say it, and they can't lie about things like that, can they?

    Another way in which the news media do us a disservice in the name of ratings is the massive polarization of national discourse. The country isn't nearly so polarized and separated as most people think. A lot of conservatives and liberals can agree on a lot of things, and most people don't espouse a narrow party line. But good luck finding that out from the news. We're lucky if the pundits on TV aren't assaulting each other's past or the beliefs of others that are in the same political party more than they argue each other's actual beliefs. Why? Because reasonable people having a realistic conversation in which nobody gets pissed off isn't nearly so entertaining as howling monkeys flinging crap at each other. Thus is the illusion created that this nation is on the brink of tearing itself apart. A hundred wackos hold a vigil, shake signs, scream slogans... the media is there, covering it in detail and trying to make it look like a national trend. Why not? It's entertaining, and it gets ratings. But it's a hundred wackos. It's not even a tenth the population of a small city. It's not a viable force at polls, unless the media coverage makes it that way. Our media not only gives a disproportionate voice to tiny minorities, but hedges out reasonable points of view.

    If you want an example of extremely reasonable, agreeable discourse that is still extremely entertaining, check out Michael Medved. He's a conservative, yes, and he admits it. He is an extremely reasonable man, and in fact his show is based around reasoned disagreement. He covers current events, gives his opinion and then gives preference to callers that disagree strongly with him. He even devotes an hour of his show each Tuesday entirely to people who disagree with him, allowing them to make their arguments and get his reaction. It isn't mean-spirited or combative (although some of the callers can be rather cruel) but rather very reasonable. He frequently gets calls from people who love his show even though they disagree with his views just because he allows the other side to be heard and to answer his points. Although he is a reasonable man, however, he is not one of those boring commentators who bores you to tears by saying, "others disagree" and trying laboriously to give everyone's point of view. He sticks to his views and principles, offering strong arguments for them. But he then allows the other side to give itself, rather than giving his own biased view on what the other side "really" believes.

    Check him out at http://www.michaelmedved.com Subscription to his premium service for a month only costs $5, is an excellent way to try the show out and see if you like it, and offers all sorts of perks and bonuses, including access to archives of his programs commercial free.
    Friday, November 17th, 2006
    3:20 am
    Progress Report
    Status of Lewi:

    I am extremely busy these days. 5 college courses at a time will do that to a man. And I'm going to have a part-time job soon. Yikes.

    Stress is killin' me sometimes, but at least I've got my old D&D group to relax with, as well as a couple of buddies to just chill and soak in the anime with. And Lizzie, who keeps me sane.

    Current Favorite Things:

    Stuff to Watch: Angelic Layer, the most awesome, adorable, deep, well-made anime in the whole world. You know it's got to be a CLAMP.

    Song: My Kinda Lover by Billy Squier. There's something addictive about that beat. Ask my roommate if he's sick of hearing this yet '^_^

    Drink: Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Ask Walker or Willy or Lizzie. I had, like, seven gallons of this stuff the other night, while watching Angelic Layer. It was awesome.

    Biblical Verse: Okay, as a naughty Lewi, I don't know the verse reference for this. I think it's a Psalm. If anybody knows, post it for me. It goes something like, "No weapon formed against me shall prosper. If my God is for me, who can be against me?" Liz and I have been suffering some spiritual attack recently, and this verse has really kept my head above water. Prayer would be appreciated anyway.

    And, for my fans, a random list of effeminate things I do:

    - I use emoticons incessantly. And I use the *chick* emoticons: ^_^ '^_^ ^.^ >.> <.< >.< XD

    - I don't like sports at all. I think they're stupid. I don't play them, I don't watch them.

    - I not only *like* Chobits and Angelic Layer, I cried at the end of both of them.

    - I love romantic songs and sing them so much that my girlfriend gets sick of it.

    - I've always wanted a clitoris. Really. Quit staring. It's probably a good thing I don't have one, though, or I'd never leave the house.

    - Let's see... for years I tricked over a dozen people into thinking I was a woman. Most of them seriously bought it the entire time. They probably still think I'm a chick. If I hadn't quit playing the online game I knew them through because it got boring, I'd still be pretending.

    - I've always thought skirts were awesome. I bet they're comfortable.

    And now, a list of things that always bring me back to the guy fold:

    - Facial hair is so awesome I don't know where to start.

    - I'm waaaay too lazy to be a woman. It's not just laziness, either. It's fat guy laziness.

    - Having a period would suck so much I don't even want to think about it.

    - The thought of a naked man just makes me sick. Seriously. Ugh.

    - Naked women, on the other hand...

    - Breasts. They're so awesome. Kinda goes hand-on-breast with the point above.

    - Deep fried food, bloody red meat and buffalo-style hot sauce. Boo-yah!

    - Guns (and to a lesser extent swords) are frigging awesome, and I'm going to own several someday.

    - Movies where lots of people get the crap kicked out of them are cool... or used to be cool, I guess. 80's crap-beating movies are sweet. New crap-beating movies are... well, for the love of GOD does everything have to involve 40 minute martial arts sequences? I miss the old days where Snake Plissken would punch a man in the face and that man would be unconscious, dammit.

    Now that any casual readers are *extremely* disturbed, and hopefully slightly entertained, I'm going to direct your attention to the finest product you could ever buy:

    www.imao.us

    Frank J. of IMAO is going to sell a book that will be a collection of his In My World pieces. If you want to laugh so hard you pass out, I can't suggest anything funnier. It's even better if you keep up on current events, but if you don't it's still just awesome. Seriously. Republican or Democrat, you're going to laugh at it. It's called "The Chronicles of Dubya" Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam. It's by Frank J. Fleming. It's going for under $20, and trust me when I say it's worth every penny.

    If you just can't wait for it to come out, the entire archive can be viewed here:

    http://www.imao.us/archives/cat_in_my_world.html

    Beware... this page takes, like, ten minutes to load because there's six years' worth of writing there. It's so worth it, though, I can't even tell you. Start at the bottom and read your way up, and prepare to lose yourself to laughter.

    Lewi out.
    Saturday, July 29th, 2006
    12:17 am
    RPG Theory
    Today I'm going to discuss some elements of roleplaying games, as I understand them. This includes pen and paper games like Dungeons & Dragons or d20 Modern, PC RPGs like Morrowind and console RPGs like the Final Fantasy series. The purpose here is pure navel gazing, but also, perhaps, to help fledgling DMs develop a better understanding of how good RPGs are structured.

    RPGs are based on a few simple concepts. I'll be referring to them as the "Key Concept," "Power Accumulation Concept" and "Work Rewarded Concept."

    -The Key Concept-
    The so-called "Key Concept" is most easily summed up by a quotation from Johnothan Frisbee from Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of Nymh: "It is easy to unlock any door if you only have the key." All RPGs present "locked doors" of one kind or another.

    The most infamous game to overuse (to much entertainment) the "Key Concept" is the Legend of Zelda and its many, many children. The entire game is just a collection of locked doors, which you must overcome challenges to obtain the key for. Sometimes this is quite literal: Link traverses dungeons, in which there are locked doors that need keys. However, the literal keys being there, Link also collects figurative keys. The Hookshot, the Hammer, the Ladder, the Bombs. These items are not literal keys, but they function only one step into obscurity as keys. What is a crumbling wall but a locked door, for which bombs are the key? What is a chasm with a post on both sides but a locked door, easily opened by clever use of the hookshot?

    The use of the Key Concept is quite obvious in Zelda, but one would be hard pressed to find an RPG that does not generously apply this concept. Take, for example, Final Fantasy. You start outside a town. The areas available to you are the town, the castle, a dark fortress, and about six inches of intervening space. However, by completing tasks and obtaining such keys as the Bridge, Boat, Canoe and Airship the player gradually unlocks more and more areas. The ocean is a major, impassable door until one obtains the key: the oceanfaring Ship.

    Now that we understand what key theory is, here are some rules to key theory:

    1. The earlier a locked door is introduced, the more satisfying it is to finally obtain the key, especially if the intervening time is long. Note how satisfying it is in Final Fantasy to trek all the way back through all of the old towns and get things when you finally get the Mystic Key, even if it's a hassle to go back and get them and even if 90% of the treasures are mere pittance.
    2. Keys do not have to be items. In Golden Sun your characters obtain new abilities throughout the game that allow them to open new doorways. In addition, in some games and situations certain characters in the party can be a key.
    3. The harder the key is to obtain, the more satisfying it is to use, and use frequently. Therefore, the more powerful the key, the more doors it can open. In Zelda 64, the ostensibly most powerful item in the game is the Golden Gauntlets. However, the Hookshot is actaully more powerful. While the Golden Gauntlets are needed to get a very powerful upgrade and open several doors, the Hookshot is useful in combat situations, can be used for general travel and also opens about fifty times more doors than the golden gauntlets ever do.
    4. Combat or adversaries are also doors, to which weapons, power, stats, combat prowess or what have you are the key.


    -Power Accumulation Concept-
    Similar to "Key Concept" in many ways, the "Power Accumulation Concept" states that as the game progresses the character(s) must grow in power. This is generally tracked in three ways: by numbers called "stats" that determine a character's powers and abilities relative to other creatures; by the amount of treasure accumulated by the character; and by the abilities and capabilities that character has. The savvy observer will note that, by the "Key Concept," all of these forms of power accumulation are either keys or potential keys.

    The power accumulation concept is a very delicately balanced illusion. Players must feel that their characters grow more powerful without actually making the game any less challenging. Indeed, the game must actually grow more difficult as it progresses. Accumulation of power, counterintuitively, should not make the game less difficult, no matter how much power is accumulated. Power accumulation must instead by used as a key that allows characters to pass through a door to more difficult and therefore more satisfying encounters.

    How, then, can power be accumulated while simultaneously not lowering the difficulty of the game? Enemy accumulation of power. As the players grow more powerful, so do their challengers. Whether this means a small group of enemies that actually become more powerful in the same manner as the players or whether this reflects the fact that as your players become more powerful they use the key of that power to unlock new challenges. For example, consider Final Fantasy. Your characters needed to accumulate power in order to obtain an item that would allow them to travel to new areas, where there were stronger enemies guarding more powerful treasure. Otherwise, consider the Legend of Zelda. Link dosen't really become more powerful himself as he accumulatedspower, save the number of hits he can take increasing. The magical treasure that Link acquires throughout his journeys instead becomes more powerful, while simultaneously allowing him to access areas with more difficult and powerful enemies, more mind-bending puzzles and harsher terrain.

    This brings up an important point as well: accumulation of power dosen't necessarily mean personal strength, or even more powerful versions of existing items. Some of the most exciting advancement of power is the accumulation of new capabilities. Defeating that big boss may net you experience points, more strength and even a new sword, but what you're really excited is that he was gaurding the helm of that airship. Now you can reach all sorts of new places, and more importantly you no longer have to slog across the world on foot, stopped every five steps by rivers and mountains. Almost all power accumulation in the Legend of Zelda series of games is new capabilities.

    Plus, in more open-ended RPGs, consider influence, fame, prestige and renown. Characters not only gain hit points and damage causing power, but they may be adored by children. They may be given titles, nobility, land or what have you. If used properly, this accumulation of power can be the most satisfying of all because, really, the reason people want power is to influence and impress others, in real life and in games.

    Some things to avoid when monitoring and controlling the accumulation of power:
    1. Avoid making old powers obsolete. Keep an open mind about what low-level powers can and should be able to do. Obviously, as new powers and capabilities come along they should be more useful and more powerful, but avoid making games into six hour treks for the next throwaway object that you will use once, and then spend six hours obtaining the next throwaway object.
    2. Do not grant flashy powers that don't work. Fans of the Final Fantasy series know this pain. You spend hours finding, memorizing and priming a one-hit death spell only to realize that it dosen't work on anything worthwhile anyway. If you are going to give your characters several dozen powers, it is obtuse to make puzzles solvable with only one of them anyway. Do not penalize characters for growing in power. Instead of making that boss immune to poison, why not make him worthy enough an adversary to fight around it? There are many ways to do things besides the "immunity" copout. We all remember the frustration of playing pretend when we were six and knowing that one bastard kid who kept saying, "Nuh-uh! Your power dosen't affect me because I'm immune to all fire attacks! Nuh-uh! I can't be hurt by ice either because my fire cloak melts ice! Nuh-uh!" and on and on.
    3. Reward creative use of powers. If your players think ahead of you, reward them for it. If you didn't think that your players might obliterate the boss with a fireball while he's mid-monologue, don't arbitrarily declare the boss invincible during that particular monologue. However, it's perfectly alright to say that he was prepared for such an instance... My point is, be prepared for the fact that as players accumulate power they will want to use it. Who else has played Final Fantasy games and thought, "Hmm, I can call down a meteor from the sky and cut a dragon in half with my bare-handed karate chop, but this locked wooden door presents an insurmountable barrier. WHY!?"

    -Work Rewarded Concept-
    The last RPG concept we'll discuss today is the "Work Rewarded" concept. This is the simplest. Basically, the harder it is to obtain an item, the more powerful it should be. The extremely important inversion of this argument is that extreme power should not be granted in exchange for no work at all. Recall Final Fantasy Tactics. You can spend 20 hours or more trying to obtain all of the powerful secret characters and items, but... why? T.G. Cid, who you get for just getting 3/4 of the way through the game, is so ungodly powerful that it's all a moot point anyway.

    I hope this has been useful to aspiring DMs. Perhaps I'll talk more about it later. Anywho, drop me a line in the comments if you need clarification or whatever.
    Thursday, June 15th, 2006
    9:31 pm
    Writing A Book
    Yes, it's official. I'm writing a book. It's working title is "I'm Mean, You're Wrong" and it will be about arguments using fact and reason as opposed to emotion and wishes. It's going to have a generally conservative political bent, but only because the majority conservatives are observably more rational than the majority of liberals at this time. That's why I'm a conservative in the first place.

    Anybody who wants to contact me about the book is free to do so, but I'm keeping details on it fairly sparse because I want you to buy it :P I'm going to try to have it published within the next three years, so wish me luck, pray for me and thanks for all of your great support. I know I have a small readership, but I'm glad to have it.

    So, anyhow, on with my usual ramblings, musings and such. Just some random thoughts on the passing scene, as Thomas Sowell might call them.

    - Seriously, software designers need to start asking ordinary people what they want in a computer system. The most commonly desireable options and tasks should be right out there in the open, not hidden behind eighteen obscurely-labeled menus and buttons.

    - I'm always curious as to what the founding fathers of the USA would have to say about an electorate that continuously elects people that don't represent them to congressional offices in exchange for social welfare programs.

    - Coffee is the devil. Since I started working the night shift it's been invaluable but it makes me jittery, horny and paranoid. I keep getting into pointless web arguments with psychotic hippies on a certain forum and check back every 3 minutes to see if they've posted back yet. It's sad, and it dosen't feel good.

    - I contend that anything, ANYTHING parsed to its essentials sounds really dumb. Baseball? Grown men swatting around little balls with a stick while people pay to applaud, as Ian Malcolm from Michael Crichton's "Jurrasic Park" put it. The only problem with this observation is that many people actually *enjoy* baseball. Does one need another justification to enjoy it other than simply enjoying it? You can make it sound dumb all you want, it dosen't change the fact that it's fun. More importantly, the people who make these observations are commonly mathematicians (as in Malcolm's case,) accountants or similar high-end jobs traditionally seen as "boring." If they can find fulfillment in a career field traditionally maligned as the dullest of dull, why do they have trouble seeing how someone could derive enjoyment from something that mystifies them?


    Anyhow, all that aside and back to the book, I'm having trouble deciding which "tone" to use. I can't go full-on Coulter caustic, because I'm not a leggy blonde and I can't afford Lexis/Nexis. I'm thinking of taking it easier while maintaining a thoroughly right-wing position, similar to Dennis Prager. What do you guys think?
    Thursday, May 18th, 2006
    2:42 pm
    Materialism
    Materialism has played a cruel trick on humankind. Materialism tells us that we ought to focus only on what is "real" or "demonstrable" or "provable." The idea is that what men perceive is the only reality. However, materialism dosen't even stand up under its own system. People perceive strange, supernatural things regularly. Dreams, intuition, extraterrestrial contact, near-death experiences, feelings that they can't explain, and just plain overwhelming emotions. What the doctrine of materialism would tell us is that these things aren't "real" because... well, for what reason? Were they not perceived? If I get a strange feeling that I ought to pull over and, moments later, a car barrels down the wrong side of the road, right through where I would've been, why is that any less a real experience than eating an apple?

    What materialism teaches is that only the most superficial, most shallow, least real experiences in life are, in fact, the only "real" experiences, and that we ought to discount any experiences we have that might contain spiritual or emotional depth. But I don't think the world is an orb of rock and fire hurtling through an empty cosmos... it couldn't possibly explain the sheer complexity of my despair at the thought. And that's no less a real feeling than the hardness of my head resting upon my desk. Scientists will teach us that this is an instinct, and that it's perfectly natural to want life to have meaning.

    At the risk of sounding like a four year old... why? Why do we find this perfectly natural? Why would a being brought about by an evolutionary process no deeper than the wish for food care about a deeper meaning to life outside of reproduction? To me, this sort of impulse only seems "natural" if nature itself has a deeper meaning than the texture on a leaf.
    2:22 pm
    Perceptions and Reality
    Scientists cannot yet explain how sleep works or what dreams are. We know that our brains produce chemicals and electrical impulses that largely make up our conscious state, and it is assumed with fair certainty that sleep replaces some of these lost chemicals and reduces the number of electrical impulses in order to allow them to rest. We know about the effects of sleep, and also the effects of sleep deprivation.

    Dreams, however, we know almost nothing about. We do know that dreams are essential. Dreams occur during REM sleep, the "restful" phase of sleep. Other than that, however, there is no way to explain what purposes dreams serve. There are a few theories... that it is the brain firing off random synapses during unguarded moments, or as a result of the chemical replenishment process in the brain.

    None of these theories, however, address deja vu. Everyone has experienced deja vu... that feeling of odd familiarity. The absolute certainty that you have dreamed this very thing before. Some of the more open-minded have said that this reflects some kind of acute mental power that people have to see the future. This could also be reflected by so-called woman's intuition, the idea that women are more sensitive than men to psychic impulses that foretell the future. I must say I've seen some impressive moments of feminine intuition before, and that I do believe in both deja vu and woman's intuition.

    But I don't think it's any kind of psychic power.

    As humans, we experience time on a line. We go from point A (past) to point B (future) and we exist in a sort of suspension among time... the present. The moment at which temporality touches eternity. A moment is so small that it is infinitely large. It is so absolutely infintesimal, and yet it is the greatest weight in the universe. A moment seems hardly anything, but it is the only lens through which a human experiences time.

    But time, as we must come to know, is not a line. It is absolutely absurd to assume that there is a big line stretched out across infinity with past on one end and future on the other and a bead of light, the present, racing from one end toward the other. However, due to temporality, because of the incredible weight of a moment, this is how we experience time. There are bound to be inconsistencies whenever something is experienced in a way that it really isn't, much like a shirt that dosen't fit well showing differences from the shape of the man beneath. Basically, because we as humans see time as a flat line, we believe that the future hasn't happened yet. However, is it possible that parts of the future, if not all of it, are really all happening at once? Is it possible that, as we do things in our present, our past and possibly our future happen at the same time as our present?

    We may never, ever know. But this is what I think of dreams, especially deja vu, intuition and other such impulses. Perhaps, in our sleeping unconsciousness, we experience a bit of a bit of a bit of the future that is currently happening. I don't know what it all means yet, but I do think I've stumbled onto something here.
    Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
    9:01 pm
    Ghosts Sucks
    My paper on Henrik Ibsen's Ghosts, for your enjoyment:

    Christian Lewis
    01/23/45
    Hr. 2

    The Oppression of Women or Something

    Henrik Ibsen wrote a whole mess of plays, and a whole bunch of them (at least two) talk about the oppression of women or something. They're pretty good plays because they're short and take about half an hour to read. Ghosts and A Doll's House are about mean, evil, misogynistic men who devilishly plot to burn down orphanages and make brothels. And oppress women. Pretty much.

    Ghosts is about Captain Alder, who's dead, so the whole thing is pretty much just an afterthought anyway. A better story would have been about Captain Alder fighting a bunch of pirates and trying to find a magical sword that would let him control the seas. Instead, the stupid play is about a couple of boring women living in an orphanage and a whole bunch of incest or something similar. It was kind of hard to pay attention when there wasn't any sex or violence or awesome smoking to distract one's short attention span.

    Despite the promising title, there are no actual ghosts in Ghosts, even though the focus character of the thing is dead and it leaves it wide open for him to totally haunt and kill people. Instead, we get some kind of dumb symbolic ghost stuff where he "lives on" because his son can't keep it in his pants and gets wasted. Honestly, every character in this play was just stupid and kept getting drunk. And there weren't even any orgies or anything to make it kick ass. It was just a whole bunch of whining and crying and talking about boys in a candle shop.

    Some guy whose name I can't remember burns down an orphanage, which is pretty cool, but he only does it because he's drunk. He's not, like, taking down a ring of ninja midget assassins posing as orphans or getting revenge because the little bastards slashed his tires. Which brings me to another point: this play didn't have any cars or guns. A little car chase or backseat action would've made this play approximately one jillion times better, according to the federal bureau of pulling statistics out of my ass.

    Nobody wants to hear a stupid quote from this play, so I'll quote Gregory Peck instead. "Tough times don't last, tough people do, remember?" (Peck, 15) Gregory Peck kicks ass.

















    Bibliography
    http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/g/gregorypeck179289.html
    Myself. My God do I rock.
    Monday, March 20th, 2006
    8:08 pm
    Writing an Online Review/Walkthrough
    Hey, guys. Is there something missing in your life? Is it a HEADACHE? Then you might want to go to Gamefaqs and try to read almost any of the reviews or walkthroughs. Quite honestly, it's not just that these people have no writing talent. It's that the idea for them is to just throw down their stream-of-conscious onto a web form with no consideration for the readability of it. You know, someone might actually need to UNDERSTAND you some day, my FAQ-writing compadre.

    Common types include:

    THE GUY WHO FAILED THIRD-GRADE ENGLISH
    You know the type. Mr. "I don't belive in punctuation or capitalization." It's not just people who mess up commas. Plenty of people do that. It's people who insist on such egregious violation of your eye-sockets that it leaves wounds that only litigation could heal. You have no idea why every third word is in quotes, or why there are three main ideas in a light sentence, or why there are commas around verbs (and not gerunds, for that matter) or why the same adjective gets used over and over again. The only real point of this thing is, ah, if you're going to grace us with your writing talent, make sure you know how to split ideas into sentences.

    THE GUY WHO NEVER LEAVES INSTANT-MESSENGER MODE
    To paraphrase VG Cats, this guy commits a crime against syntax. He murdered language and left letters. Note to morons: WRITE OUT YOUR GODDAMNED WORDS. Note that I didn't say "ur" goddamned words. No, no. That's ridiculous. You're not going to get Zergling rushed if you don't finish your fucking review in the next thirty seconds. You're not paying by the fucking letter. Make it legible. And ONE exclaimation point. Two if someone is dying a slow, painful death by torture. Maybe.

    THE TOUGHASS
    Oho. I love having the guy whose article I'm reading continuously remind me of how stupid I am. "Go here and get this, you stupid moron." All it does is make the author sound ten years old. Hell, for all I know, he is. Bah. Oh, and for the record, "turd" is about the least tough word in the whole world, right next to "Melvin" and "taffy."

    THE DRUNKEN SAILOR
    I'm probably going to come across as a hypocrite here, but you kind of lose what this guy is trying to tell you because he's busy swearing like he's being fed slowly into a meat grinder. It's all "fuck this" and "fuck that" and "get into the goddamned Jesus-titty-fucking-Christ whore bitch pussy ass ass tits car." It's like listening to my dear old dad try to figure computers out.

    There are more types, for cerain. Leave them in the comments.

    Oh, and Morin, you know what would be really funny and original? Turning this around on me in a *super clever* burn by characterizing my very own style. That is not at all what I'm expecting.
    Monday, March 6th, 2006
    6:59 pm
    Quick Open Letters
    These are fun to write!



    Dear liberal economists,
    The top 2% are there for a reason.
    -Lewi

    Dear MUD thugs,
    I'm not afraid of your level 60 wizard, nor your trash talking about how you're a 260 lb. body builder with a sixteen inch penis.
    -Lewi

    Dear pur-tend corps leaders,
    If you have to demand respect, you haven't earned it from everyone. More to the point, you don't have a right to my respect until you earn it.
    -Lewi

    Dear war protestors,
    Get a fucking job. No matter how loud you chant slogans it won't make me magically forget the wellbeing of my family and my country.
    -Lewi

    Maybe more to come. Got any of your own? Throw 'em in the comments!
    Thursday, February 9th, 2006
    7:44 pm
    Self-Portrait
    In my psych class (which was lead, not taught, by a total hippy) we were asked to draw pictures of how we see ourselves. You have no idea how dumb and boring this class was. Every day was a lecture on how the po-mo LSD way to see the world is correct and mean Republicans are evil. So the other two republicans in the class and I had a field day with this teacher. Here's my self-portrait:

    http://photobucket.com/albums/f53/the_apologist/?action=view¤t=Self-Esteem.jpg
    Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
    10:10 pm
    I Am a Lesbian Trapped in a Man's Body
    I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

    At first the signs weren't easy to detect. But I have some points that vaugely and inconclusively prove that I am, in fact, this most awkward of all of God's creatures. Except maybe the duck-billed platypus. *avoids the obvious puns*

    For one, I find the naked female form highly arousing. You know who else finds the naked female form highly arousing? Lesbians! I also find the naked male form highly unappealing. You know who else is repeled by the naked male form? Lesbians! The thought of performing oral sex on a woman is highly appealing to me. Do you know who else likes to perform oral sex on women? Lesbians! I shave neither my legs nor my armpits. Do you know who else refuses to shave those things? Lesbians! I find the thought of making out with girls very strongly attractive. Do you know who else likes to make out with girls? LESBIANS!

    Are you seeing a pattern yet?

    If you can think of any I missed, slap 'em in the comments.
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